The Perfect Relationship Is One That Isn’t Perfect

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We perceive the perfect relationship as one that is calm, collective, without arguments and everything is hunky-dory. But a relationship isn’t a bed of roses- they take work. My other half drives me mad! But one thing we share is the most important foundation to a healthy and thriving relationship: mutual respect. I’m not going to sit and brag about how amazing my relationship is because it isn’t perfect (and nobody wants to be bored to tears). But he wants me and there is passion. Before I met him my relationships were very unhealthy. There was no fight or passion. No man wanted to fight me. They couldn’t be bothered to argue back. How was I meant to respect someone if they didn’t stand up for themselves? I’m a moody cow and I need someone strong who can handle me. Also like a true borderline, I can put my hands up and say honestly I am very manipulative. Or it goes the other way… I attract men that since I have no self-esteem so they build me up and then slowly break me down in order to control me. The only way that I’ve been able to have a healthy relationship is by stopping being dependent upon men and stand on my own two feet. To find out who I was, what I liked in life and having to be able to have some bite about me. It’s taken ten years but I’m finally there. Find someone who will fight for you and be your best friend- not take advantage of your good nature. And remember every relationship is different.

Even the fairy tales we know had a hard time before happily ever after.

Amy Belle

 

Anxiety Becomes Her

My mind is racing with anxiety. Things to do, things to do.

My body is exhausted with depression. Can’t move, can’t do that.

I feel now that I have found happiness I am freaking me out. I have everything I could ever dream of, I have two best friends (a boy and a girl), a boy who adores me, a purpose in life (my blog, helping others), a proud home of my own and yet my mind can’t switch off. I feel terrified of being happy. I feel I need to keep my home and my appearance perfect all the time. I am trying desperately to cram my mental illness into a box but it keeps on slipping out. You must be perfect all the time- how else could they love you?

You’re a freak- they will leave you.

Show them the real you- they won’t come back

Take some pills- that’s a lethal cocktail- that will work nicely

You didn’t go to therapy- you failed

But I want to be happy. And the people in my life have seen my suffering and done nothing but love me. They see the real me. I am not borderline. I am not bipolar. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I’m just a good person who struggles to let good things happen to them. I’ve been conditioned to learn that love doesn’t come free after all. I am loved unconditionally- that’s the scary part. When I’ve been alone in the darkness its easier because no one can hurt me. But this happiness feels so good its worth fighting my disease for.         AmyBelle

Happiness Is A Rare Gift

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I’m happy.

It’s a rare emotion for me to feel.

I am enjoying this feeling, but at the same time I am terrified that everything will mess up!

For the first time in my life, my happiness has been caused by me, not by other people. I don’t have a man in my life, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money. But I just feel…… 🙂

I broke out of my acrophobia shell and made an effort to meet new people, now I have some amazing and supportive friends that I know will be in my life for a very long time. I have been honest about my mental illness, and instead of running away, they have turned up in a heart beat to support me during my panic attacks.

I also took the leap to come out to my parents about being bisexual and they have been supportive and understanding. I was honestly terrified they would have thought I was disgusting!

I set up the sewing machine and built furniture for my flat all by myself. A year ago I didn’t have the confidence to do anything like that. My ex partner told me that I was stupid, illogical and he had to do everything for me. BUT I DONE IT WITHOUT YOU HAHAHA 🙂

When it comes to dating, before I was so desperately lonely and had no self esteem that I would cling to anyone who showed me any affection and let them use me. Now I will not accept nothing less than love, and know that I deserve only the best that a person can offer. I will not be used.

The self harming thoughts are still there, but I haven’t cut for eight weeks. I have utilised the tools that were given to me: I take a Lorazepam, call the crisis team, play uplifting music, practice mindfulness, do some cleaning, and phone friends and family for support. Now that I feel like life is worth living I don’t want to do it.

Having the Quetiapine reduced from 175mg to 25mg has improved things rapidly. I have been sleeping better, my moods are more stable, I feel more alert and I have lost weight without even trying!

I am starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy next week and I am so anxious about it. I have put a support plan together to make sure that I don’t drop out this time. The difference is I really want to get better this time. I am so fed up waking up and wishing that I had died in my sleep. My morning depression is still there, but once I’ve eaten and taken my medicine I make plans for the day and enjoy being awake.

I hope this feeling stays.

I have been through the worst of the worst recently, so I guess the only way is up 🙂

Amy Belle

 

 

 

Mother

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Dear my darling Mum’ma,

Our love has taking many beatings

We have had a hard year

And through the thick and thin

Thank you for being here.

We love in different ways

Its been hard to understand

I know you were always in the shadows

And there to hold my hand.

I said some nasty words

That I didn’t really mean

I was trying to find who I was

Frustrated at the distance in between.

You are the strongest women

That I’ll ever really know

I know that  weakness

Is something you never really show.

I thought that you was cold

I’ve very emotional

Now I’m growing up

I know your love is unconditional.

I was an angry child

Somethings you could not protect me from

That was not your fault

Sometimes life can go wrong.

I have blossomed into a young lady

And it’s mostly down to you

I hope that we can move on

And you know I love you too.

9 months you carried me for

Breathed life into me

I will always be your little girl

My best friend you’ll always be.

Lots of Love

Amy Rose