Brave Little Lion

You are a lion, or a lioness

You are more than this mess

You are strong

Prove them wrong!

You can roar

You can soar

Don’t pretend

Just defend!

You can do it

Show your teeth

If they play rough

Enoughs enough!

You are a lion, or lioness.

You forget

You’re worth respect

Don’t bow down

Take your crown!

You are brave,

Don’t be afraid

You are a lion, or lioness.

 

To Love And To Hate

Pain is love, love is pain
All time used and time to gain
I dream of clouds and a moon that shines
My soul is yours, your soul is mine.

How passion once spoke it, gave me dreams
It gave me terror like in black and white movies
How I adore and loathe thee so
Promise to not fall and never let go.

I love you so, my futures yours
Gasping for the one I adore
I grasp all of you with both hands
For I never so wish to want a man.

 

Memories of my Grandmother

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One of the beautiful things about recovery is the unexpected rewards your healing mind gives you. I have unlocked two beautiful memories of my grandmother. We lost her in 2010 and my heart has been with her ever since that day. I struggled for years to say her name without crying and barely had any memory of her. It was such a shame but my mind wasn’t ready to come to terms with the loss. Slowly through a year of therapy and confrontation of her death, I was able to heal. I managed to visit her old home last year after 6 years of avoiding the place which unlocked some amazing memories. Now I am rewarded with memories of my nanny every time I think of her. They aren’t just memories through- I can remember the sights, the smells, the lighting, the layout of the room. It’s like she’s rewarding me from heaven for my hard work. I know it would break her heart to see me suffering from mental health. Anyway, it’s 3.30am and I awoke with a random memory of her. I suffer from insomnia and so did my nanny for years. As a child, I remember being woken to the sound of banging sauce pans in the kitchen. I asked her what on earth she was doing?! She was cooking at 3 am! This went on until about 6 am. As I got older I was allowed to stay up with her and we would sit in the living room-just us girls- talking with a glass of milk for an hour or two about anything and everything. This time was so beautiful. I had another memory of her come to me earlier where we spent family time down at the River Thames. No matter what age, nanny always seemed to want to keep me and my brother toddlers forever and go and feed the ducks 😂 I remember sitting near the water and offered to buy us all an ice cream with my birthday money. It came to £16! But nanny wouldn’t let me waste my money and paid instead no matter how much I protested. I also remember the beautiful water and the ducks and swans. The willow trees that we used to climb, and the dampness in our shoes from walking into the overflowing stream. As I am getting older I have found myself becoming more and more like her. My family tells me I look like her all the time. Sometimes my father struggles to look at me because I remind him so much of her. I am so proud to be similar to such a kind, caring, and beautifully strong woman. Ok, I am crying now……

Amy Belle

Why?

Why do we push away those that love us and chase those that don’t love us? Why? Are we trying to prove a point to ourselves that eveyone can love us- that we are that loveable? I am guilty of this. I have had so many sleepless nights and wasted days of thoughts going around in my head- what did I do wrong? I have felt like the most disgusting human being, that I should give up and place bubblewrap around my heart. That way I can’t be hurt anymore. I am in recovery and learning the hard way from my mistakes. I’m in control of my own therapy after the NHS failed me and I’ve come off my mood stabilisers. I need to do what is right for me. If only I could control my emotions the same! Then I remember that not everyone can get along… Different personality clash. I was shocked to learn in my first job that other members of my team didn’t get along with others- I thought I was the only person who had problems! I’m getting stronger by the day. I asked God to give me strength and he has presented me with many challenges: it has been so hard. I want to cry. I had to rush out in the dark on my own to buy hamster food- I couldn’t have my little girl hungry. It was dark and there were crowds of young men everywhere yelling at me (why do they do that?) I was going to have a panic attack but I didn’t. I rushed home and practiced Mindfulness by staring at my Grandfathers pillow of a fox- my guardian animal. At the moment my home feels like a prison as well as my heaven. I’m too scared to go outside but sometimes the walls cave in. I need to breathe.     But I’m too scared to get close and bother making friends. I have all the people around me I need. However I think this emptiness in the bottom of my soul is something I will always seek to fill. Amy Belle

Happy International Cat Day To My Little Girl!

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I remember when I brought you home,

My tiny girl so sweet,

You were so lonely and abandoned,

You just needed love and to eat.

I remember your first night

Mum said you would sleep in the kitchen

I woke up to the cries of your meows

I couldn’t help crying and twitching.

I opened up the kitchen door

And there you were confused

Lost in the darkness alone

I swore you’d been abused.

I carried you up the stairs

And I promised just for tonight

Who would have thought 8 years later

I’d wake up to the same sight?

You grew into such a character

My little girl Summer-Rose

Your beautiful calico colours

Your little ginger nose.

I know you are at Daddys now

And he loves you so

But I always come back to visit

I love you more than you will ever know.

Amy Belle

Fools Of Today

Are you a fool?

Does your mouth spit fire and bile

Your soul is full of guilt

Your speech fuelled by empty vile.

Do you recognize your face?

The one God gave you

You cover the marks of your birth

Lips painted red, eyes shine blue.

Do you know the silhouette you hide behind?

Empty skeleton, pulsing heart

The blank canvas of society

You’re dying to fit the part.

Picture perfect doll

Camera lens, filter shades

Slowly hiding yourself away.

People do their best to blend in cloud

But you aren’t as shallow as the stream

Strip it back

Show them you are more than their dream.

One day you will see

Tiring aches and not enough time

You sign your name on paper

But whisper “who am I?”

Amy Belle

English Translated Into Anxiety

 

ASDFGHJK

I’m bored- I’m lonely

Everyone is busy- Everyone hates me

The bus is late- My day is already ruined

I’m not hungry- I am but I don’t feel like eating

I love being indoors- I’m too scared to leave the house

I’m a sociable person- I hate being alone

I would love to buy that- I don’t deserve it

I’m so tired- I’m mentally exhausted

I like my sleep- I’m not lazy, mentally I can’t get out of bed

I don’t care what others think of me- Do my earlobes look weird?

I’m a night owl- The rush of the daytime scares me

Don’t worry then- Please listen to me

I like my privacy- If they find out the real me they will hate me

He loves me- What is there for him to love?

I’m happy- I’m the happiest I’ve ever been but it scares the hell out of me

I don’t give up easily- I’m SO tired of trying

I’m fine- PLEASE HELP ME

I’m feeling a little shaky- OMG WHY CANT I BREATH? AM I GOING TO DIE? WHY IS THE WORLD CLOSING IN ON ME?

It’s just anxiety- It isn’t “just” anything this illness ruins every aspect of my life

Amy Belle- Amy (I am so fucking anxious all the time) Belle

I’m Under Attack!

These whispers become echoes

Heartbeats thunder abruptly

The compression on my chest

My rib cage spasms bluntly.

I am under attack!

These walls are closing in

My cage door now sealed

Inner terror to begin.

These thoughts they dance

Irritational to the core

Might I run away

How do I unlock this door?

The frost bite of my eyes

Pale face and red blush

Survival of this moment

On fire, she is to touch.

I howl for oxygen

Adrenaline vs gravity

He catches me before I crash

Safe in the benzos I find clarity.

They call this anxiety

But at the moment it is dread

I swear it felt so feel

Turns out it was all in my head.

Amy Belle