To Love And To Hate

Pain is love, love is pain
All time used and time to gain
I dream of clouds and a moon that shines
My soul is yours, your soul is mine.

How passion once spoke it, gave me dreams
It gave me terror like in black and white movies
How I adore and loathe thee so
Promise to not fall and never let go.

I love you so, my futures yours
Gasping for the one I adore
I grasp all of you with both hands
For I never so wish to want a man.

 

The Perfect Relationship Is One That Isn’t Perfect

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We perceive the perfect relationship as one that is calm, collective, without arguments and everything is hunky-dory. But a relationship isn’t a bed of roses- they take work. My other half drives me mad! But one thing we share is the most important foundation to a healthy and thriving relationship: mutual respect. I’m not going to sit and brag about how amazing my relationship is because it isn’t perfect (and nobody wants to be bored to tears). But he wants me and there is passion. Before I met him my relationships were very unhealthy. There was no fight or passion. No man wanted to fight me. They couldn’t be bothered to argue back. How was I meant to respect someone if they didn’t stand up for themselves? I’m a moody cow and I need someone strong who can handle me. Also like a true borderline, I can put my hands up and say honestly I am very manipulative. Or it goes the other way… I attract men that since I have no self-esteem so they build me up and then slowly break me down in order to control me. The only way that I’ve been able to have a healthy relationship is by stopping being dependent upon men and stand on my own two feet. To find out who I was, what I liked in life and having to be able to have some bite about me. It’s taken ten years but I’m finally there. Find someone who will fight for you and be your best friend- not take advantage of your good nature. And remember every relationship is different.

Even the fairy tales we know had a hard time before happily ever after.

Amy Belle

 

Why?

Why do we push away those that love us and chase those that don’t love us? Why? Are we trying to prove a point to ourselves that eveyone can love us- that we are that loveable? I am guilty of this. I have had so many sleepless nights and wasted days of thoughts going around in my head- what did I do wrong? I have felt like the most disgusting human being, that I should give up and place bubblewrap around my heart. That way I can’t be hurt anymore. I am in recovery and learning the hard way from my mistakes. I’m in control of my own therapy after the NHS failed me and I’ve come off my mood stabilisers. I need to do what is right for me. If only I could control my emotions the same! Then I remember that not everyone can get along… Different personality clash. I was shocked to learn in my first job that other members of my team didn’t get along with others- I thought I was the only person who had problems! I’m getting stronger by the day. I asked God to give me strength and he has presented me with many challenges: it has been so hard. I want to cry. I had to rush out in the dark on my own to buy hamster food- I couldn’t have my little girl hungry. It was dark and there were crowds of young men everywhere yelling at me (why do they do that?) I was going to have a panic attack but I didn’t. I rushed home and practiced Mindfulness by staring at my Grandfathers pillow of a fox- my guardian animal. At the moment my home feels like a prison as well as my heaven. I’m too scared to go outside but sometimes the walls cave in. I need to breathe.     But I’m too scared to get close and bother making friends. I have all the people around me I need. However I think this emptiness in the bottom of my soul is something I will always seek to fill. Amy Belle

Little Rabbit 

Rest little rabbit

Deep inside your hole

Escape your tears

Unburden your soul.

They are nasty, crafty

They’ve broken you down

Your world is collapsing

It is no longer round.

You must eat something rabbit-

A carrot or two

You don’t want to feed this body

When it doesn’t feel part of you.

You burn your bridges

Before they are built

For you know they will come crashing

From loathing and guilt

You’ve become a ghost

Pray you stay invisible

It’s exhausting using your tiny voice

A few moments invincible.

Rest little rabbit, it’s ok to escape

You will rise again soon

Lioness will take your shape.

Amy Belle

Dear Me (My Inner Amy Belle)

Can’t you see who you’ve become?

The strong beautiful Amy Belle

It was the name your Nanny gave you

You set aside the broken little girl.

Life gave you matches

I thought you’d burst into flames

You hate yourself so much

But you’re not the one to blame.

You are so strong minded

Who would’ve thought you’d be a nurse?!

You tend to the wounds of others

When your own bullet holes hurt.

It breaks me to see you cut yourself

But I of all people understand

You can’t speak words of sadness

Your smiles constantly on demand.

All you needed was a chance

Can’t you see how much you’ve grown?

You have done it all by yourself

The independent women I’ve always known.

I looked at your feet dangling off the bridge

I saw the pills on the floor

You were never making it up

You’re not stupid or immature.

It’s okay to ask for help

It’s okay to be wrong

It’s okay to not be perfect

It’s exhausting to be strong.

I am so proud of you

Ignoring the voices at your ears

For putting down the razor

For fighting all these years.

Your wings are stretched- you’re flying!

Hope will never leave

Remember you are worth love

Did I mention- you are me.

Love Amy Belle

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The Happiness Of Loneliness

In loneliness I can’t be hurt

I remain inside the womb

My emptiness is comfort

In dark and grey consumed.

You said you would take all of me

My memories and mistakes

After all this time alone

How is this an offer I can take?

I learnt love doesn’t come free

Kisses are part of a deal

How do I know the words you are saying

Is something that is real?

This pressure inside my chest

I forget how to breath

Sometimes it needs bursting

To once again feel “me”

My face was pushed into the ground

Bleeding mouth in gravel

My legs found the strength to push up

Slowly letting the bandages unravel

This corner is my haunting

Quarter of a century as a shadow

You see me as I am

Showing me the world isn’t that narrow

I feel I have failed

When I have so much life to live

You remind me of the good in me

I have so much love to give.

Happiness scares me to death

It is a feeling that is so new

So let time be my healer

To accept the words “I love you”

Amy Belle

 

My North Star

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My north star, my light

Carrying me through darkness of night

No matter how far I roam

I know you will take me home

Cargo upon your ship

Coursing over and dip

Legs are breaking, mind is weary

I trust you from not disappearing

Breathe your hope into my lungs

Heart is full, lips are strung

Ball of flame and warmth

Blossom me to transform

You gave me half your heart

Stitch to not fall apart

I cradle you with grace

Be rested you are safe                            

AmyBelle 

The Hidden Soldiers


They are the hidden soldiers

Always carrying the world on their shoulders

You will miss them if you blink

They move too fast to think

Their amour is their smile

They never complain how long the mile

All they care about is others

Even when their heart-ache smothers

This person stands so tall

They make this scary world small

They never say somethings wrong

Superhero, so strong

But who looks after them?

Always running at O to 10

No time for them to breathe

To think what’s underneath

Somehow I will break down your shell

I will listen, you can tell

You’ve done the catching time after time

Can’t you see all of you is mine?

Let me lead the way

I promise I won’t lead you astray

It’s ok to not be brave

Even hero’s need to be saved.             AmyBelle

 

 

 

Self Harm Part 2

My tears are dry, my words are silent

Let me lay low in my confinement

Does this red not scream and yelp?

I can’t speak the words “I need help”

This canvas has meaning you can’t see

The broken spirit deep in me

So many secrets I long for you to know

Love is a gauze that stems the flow

Just because I cut away my skin

Doesn’t mean I’m stretching thin

Soldiers don’t talk about their fears

They use their uniform to hide their tears

Inside I’m healing, I won’t give up hoping

This is just my quiet way of coping.

Please don’t ask me questions and to explain

There isn’t enough time to describe my pain

Slowly I will let you break down my walls

Just hold my hand, that is all.

Amy Belle