Memories of my Grandmother

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One of the beautiful things about recovery is the unexpected rewards your healing mind gives you. I have unlocked two beautiful memories of my grandmother. We lost her in 2010 and my heart has been with her ever since that day. I struggled for years to say her name without crying and barely had any memory of her. It was such a shame but my mind wasn’t ready to come to terms with the loss. Slowly through a year of therapy and confrontation of her death, I was able to heal. I managed to visit her old home last year after 6 years of avoiding the place which unlocked some amazing memories. Now I am rewarded with memories of my nanny every time I think of her. They aren’t just memories through- I can remember the sights, the smells, the lighting, the layout of the room. It’s like she’s rewarding me from heaven for my hard work. I know it would break her heart to see me suffering from mental health. Anyway, it’s 3.30am and I awoke with a random memory of her. I suffer from insomnia and so did my nanny for years. As a child, I remember being woken to the sound of banging sauce pans in the kitchen. I asked her what on earth she was doing?! She was cooking at 3 am! This went on until about 6 am. As I got older I was allowed to stay up with her and we would sit in the living room-just us girls- talking with a glass of milk for an hour or two about anything and everything. This time was so beautiful. I had another memory of her come to me earlier where we spent family time down at the River Thames. No matter what age, nanny always seemed to want to keep me and my brother toddlers forever and go and feed the ducks 😂 I remember sitting near the water and offered to buy us all an ice cream with my birthday money. It came to ÂŁ16! But nanny wouldn’t let me waste my money and paid instead no matter how much I protested. I also remember the beautiful water and the ducks and swans. The willow trees that we used to climb, and the dampness in our shoes from walking into the overflowing stream. As I am getting older I have found myself becoming more and more like her. My family tells me I look like her all the time. Sometimes my father struggles to look at me because I remind him so much of her. I am so proud to be similar to such a kind, caring, and beautifully strong woman. Ok, I am crying now……

Amy Belle

Anxiety Becomes Her

My mind is racing with anxiety. Things to do, things to do.

My body is exhausted with depression. Can’t move, can’t do that.

I feel now that I have found happiness I am freaking me out. I have everything I could ever dream of, I have two best friends (a boy and a girl), a boy who adores me, a purpose in life (my blog, helping others), a proud home of my own and yet my mind can’t switch off. I feel terrified of being happy. I feel I need to keep my home and my appearance perfect all the time. I am trying desperately to cram my mental illness into a box but it keeps on slipping out. You must be perfect all the time- how else could they love you?

You’re a freak- they will leave you.

Show them the real you- they won’t come back

Take some pills- that’s a lethal cocktail- that will work nicely

You didn’t go to therapy- you failed

But I want to be happy. And the people in my life have seen my suffering and done nothing but love me. They see the real me. I am not borderline. I am not bipolar. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I’m just a good person who struggles to let good things happen to them. I’ve been conditioned to learn that love doesn’t come free after all. I am loved unconditionally- that’s the scary part. When I’ve been alone in the darkness its easier because no one can hurt me. But this happiness feels so good its worth fighting my disease for.         AmyBelle

The Hidden Soldiers


They are the hidden soldiers

Always carrying the world on their shoulders

You will miss them if you blink

They move too fast to think

Their amour is their smile

They never complain how long the mile

All they care about is others

Even when their heart-ache smothers

This person stands so tall

They make this scary world small

They never say somethings wrong

Superhero, so strong

But who looks after them?

Always running at O to 10

No time for them to breathe

To think what’s underneath

Somehow I will break down your shell

I will listen, you can tell

You’ve done the catching time after time

Can’t you see all of you is mine?

Let me lead the way

I promise I won’t lead you astray

It’s ok to not be brave

Even hero’s need to be saved.             AmyBelle

 

 

 

I Am Not A Little Girl Anymore

I am not that little girl living out of a suitcase- I have my own home now

I am not that little girl being bullied at school- I can stand tall now

I am not that little girl being called “ginger”- I am a beautiful now

I am not hungry- I can eat as much as I want now 

I am not stealing- I have my own money now

I am not “Amy saggy boobs”- I have gorgeous curves now

I am not a scared loner- I am independent now

I am not beaten black and blue- I am tough now

I am not that teenager that will sleep on your floor– I have my own double bed now

I am not that teenager being molested on a bus- My body is mine now

I am not waiting for a boy to love me- I have all the love I need now

I am not your sloppy sex- I make love now

I will not buy your friendship- I have friends who love me unconditionally now

I am not that young lady asking for your permission- I can make my own decisions now

I am not in the darkness- I have the Lord with me now

I am not stupid- I am a nurse now

I am not illogical- I build my own furniture now

I am not my prescriptions- I know my own mind now

I am not my bleeding cuts- I have battle scars now

I am not my abuse- I am worthy of love now

I am not that silent women- I can shout back now

I am not scared to remember your casket- You live on through me now

I am not Amy Rose Taylor- I AM AMY BELLE NOW

 

Happiness Is A Rare Gift

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I’m happy.

It’s a rare emotion for me to feel.

I am enjoying this feeling, but at the same time I am terrified that everything will mess up!

For the first time in my life, my happiness has been caused by me, not by other people. I don’t have a man in my life, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money. But I just feel…… 🙂

I broke out of my acrophobia shell and made an effort to meet new people, now I have some amazing and supportive friends that I know will be in my life for a very long time. I have been honest about my mental illness, and instead of running away, they have turned up in a heart beat to support me during my panic attacks.

I also took the leap to come out to my parents about being bisexual and they have been supportive and understanding. I was honestly terrified they would have thought I was disgusting!

I set up the sewing machine and built furniture for my flat all by myself. A year ago I didn’t have the confidence to do anything like that. My ex partner told me that I was stupid, illogical and he had to do everything for me. BUT I DONE IT WITHOUT YOU HAHAHA 🙂

When it comes to dating, before I was so desperately lonely and had no self esteem that I would cling to anyone who showed me any affection and let them use me. Now I will not accept nothing less than love, and know that I deserve only the best that a person can offer. I will not be used.

The self harming thoughts are still there, but I haven’t cut for eight weeks. I have utilised the tools that were given to me: I take a Lorazepam, call the crisis team, play uplifting music, practice mindfulness, do some cleaning, and phone friends and family for support. Now that I feel like life is worth living I don’t want to do it.

Having the Quetiapine reduced from 175mg to 25mg has improved things rapidly. I have been sleeping better, my moods are more stable, I feel more alert and I have lost weight without even trying!

I am starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy next week and I am so anxious about it. I have put a support plan together to make sure that I don’t drop out this time. The difference is I really want to get better this time. I am so fed up waking up and wishing that I had died in my sleep. My morning depression is still there, but once I’ve eaten and taken my medicine I make plans for the day and enjoy being awake.

I hope this feeling stays.

I have been through the worst of the worst recently, so I guess the only way is up 🙂

Amy Belle

 

 

 

Love

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Isn’t love a complicated thing? It can be the disease and the cure. No matter how much it hurts, we never stop craving it. A simple chemical release of endorphins seems to shape our lives. We can love our mother, our partner, our friend, our cat, our IPhone, our endless choices of which cheap TV shows to stream through our Netflix… Love comes in many shapes and forms. No matter how much we tell ourselves we are better off alone, we still desperately look for love.

Love is imbedded deep in my soul and personality. I remember being 15 years old and crying on my bedroom floor; my father sat next to me. He asked me what was wrong,  and I said that I was crying because no body loved me. He said that he loved me, but I said it wasn’t enough. I had the unconditional love of my family, yet I longed to have friends and a boyfriend. Ten years on I have accepted that friends have never been a permanent staple in my life. I spent years blaming myself, thinking that I was a freak and my haggard personality was the reason why I was a loner. I was never part of a group and I was always chosen last for group school activities. As I grew older and found my inner peace, I realised that the reason why I didn’t have many friends wasn’t because of me, but merely because I never found friends who could understand me. I understand that being friends with someone who has a mental illness can be hard work, but that is no reason to give up me. I would never give up on you, and my life experience with the big L word if anything has made me love more and harder.

A few years on and in my early twenties, I howled for my mothers love like a lonely new born. I would email her poems about my desperate helplessness, scream for hours in my bedroom next door, self harm and overdose to get her attention. I wasted so much time and energy questioning why she had abandoned me. I wondered why everyone else had abandoned me, friends taking all my money and endless men tossing me to the side of the bed after taking what they wanted. Embezzled in a chronic cycle of mental illness, I sought solitude in the only thing that gave me that unconditional love I so desperately craved. Being a nurse and looking after others was the only thing that gave me purpose and a reason to stay alive.

Many years of therapy later, and a negative relationship fallen apart, I realised I had been taking love from all the wrong places and in a form that I thought I was only worth. If I thought that I was only worth being used as a convenience and pleasure that was all I was going to get. Now that I have grown up and learnt to love myself I have found that I am worth so much more. I am a good person and deserve all that love can offer. I no longer seek acceptance of anything less than I deserve, I refuse to be used and tossed aside. It has been a hard lesson to learn, probably one of the hardest, but now that I have learnt it I am set up for life. I have found happiness, acceptance and attracted people who will be with me through thick and thin.

After stripping back my mental illness I have found myself more empathetic and understanding. I have learnt that my mother never left, but loved me in a different way. People love in different ways, and its a difficult thing to get your head around. I am grateful that my grandmother showed me how to love in a way I see is right. She was kind, loving, protective and unconditional. I love unconditionally, and I will accept love that is only that.

Those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind.

Amy Belle ❤

 

The Lost Girl Inside

Little strawberry-blonde girl is lost

Never ending it seems to be

She’s seeking the end of this tunnel

Now I see this girl is me.

Monsters hide inside this place

But they don’t jump out and scream

They prey with hate when she is weak

Nasty, twisted, mean.

Angels hold her heart

Her soul is so gentle

The devils pulls at her feet

Is this her eternal?

No it is not death

But her battle deep inside

Now she can see a little clearer

This tunnel has become wide.

A small beam of hope appears

It shines blue and white

She can find her way out of here

She just needs to follow the light.

Shards of glass she must walk

Painful, bleeding, tearing

But now the end is near

She is way beyond caring.

Little girl she has grown strong

This fight she always had

She just needed to find her way

To see there is good and bad.

Monster’s stay away!

You can’t hurt her anymore

She has courage now

She’s opening the door.

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Amy Belle

 

 

You Are My Sunshine: Thank You Followers!!

I awoke this morning from a horrible nightmare and low mood. I struggled to get out of bed and then turned my phone on and found myself bursting into tears of happiness. I had endless messages and comments of love and support, from people all around the world.

My followers on WordPress, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Outlook are my sunshine today. I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful that you have taken the time out of your day to send me words of comfort. Mental illness can be isolating and scary, but with you by my side I feel I can fight this battle.

Thank you so much, with endless kisses and love.

Keep on fighting, we are in this together.

Lots of Love, Amy Belle

Special Mentions: My crochet-queen Jackie on the river, Tahlia and Coco in Aussieland, My poorly Leslie M I LOVE YOU

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Mother

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Dear my darling Mum’ma,

Our love has taking many beatings

We have had a hard year

And through the thick and thin

Thank you for being here.

We love in different ways

Its been hard to understand

I know you were always in the shadows

And there to hold my hand.

I said some nasty words

That I didn’t really mean

I was trying to find who I was

Frustrated at the distance in between.

You are the strongest women

That I’ll ever really know

I know that  weakness

Is something you never really show.

I thought that you was cold

I’ve very emotional

Now I’m growing up

I know your love is unconditional.

I was an angry child

Somethings you could not protect me from

That was not your fault

Sometimes life can go wrong.

I have blossomed into a young lady

And it’s mostly down to you

I hope that we can move on

And you know I love you too.

9 months you carried me for

Breathed life into me

I will always be your little girl

My best friend you’ll always be.

Lots of Love

Amy Rose