A Bloggers Love

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for your kind messages.

Thank you for being a virtual friend.

Thank you for encouraging me to stay well.

Thank you for allowing me to be Nurse Amy.

Thank you for giving me a reason to wake up.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to think of me.

Thank you for showing me I am not allowing in having mental illness.

 

Thank you my WordPress friends.

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Anxiety Becomes Her

My mind is racing with anxiety. Things to do, things to do.

My body is exhausted with depression. Can’t move, can’t do that.

I feel now that I have found happiness I am freaking me out. I have everything I could ever dream of, I have two best friends (a boy and a girl), a boy who adores me, a purpose in life (my blog, helping others), a proud home of my own and yet my mind can’t switch off. I feel terrified of being happy. I feel I need to keep my home and my appearance perfect all the time. I am trying desperately to cram my mental illness into a box but it keeps on slipping out. You must be perfect all the time- how else could they love you?

You’re a freak- they will leave you.

Show them the real you- they won’t come back

Take some pills- that’s a lethal cocktail- that will work nicely

You didn’t go to therapy- you failed

But I want to be happy. And the people in my life have seen my suffering and done nothing but love me. They see the real me. I am not borderline. I am not bipolar. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I’m just a good person who struggles to let good things happen to them. I’ve been conditioned to learn that love doesn’t come free after all. I am loved unconditionally- that’s the scary part. When I’ve been alone in the darkness its easier because no one can hurt me. But this happiness feels so good its worth fighting my disease for.         AmyBelle

Happiness Is A Rare Gift

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I’m happy.

It’s a rare emotion for me to feel.

I am enjoying this feeling, but at the same time I am terrified that everything will mess up!

For the first time in my life, my happiness has been caused by me, not by other people. I don’t have a man in my life, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money. But I just feel…… 🙂

I broke out of my acrophobia shell and made an effort to meet new people, now I have some amazing and supportive friends that I know will be in my life for a very long time. I have been honest about my mental illness, and instead of running away, they have turned up in a heart beat to support me during my panic attacks.

I also took the leap to come out to my parents about being bisexual and they have been supportive and understanding. I was honestly terrified they would have thought I was disgusting!

I set up the sewing machine and built furniture for my flat all by myself. A year ago I didn’t have the confidence to do anything like that. My ex partner told me that I was stupid, illogical and he had to do everything for me. BUT I DONE IT WITHOUT YOU HAHAHA 🙂

When it comes to dating, before I was so desperately lonely and had no self esteem that I would cling to anyone who showed me any affection and let them use me. Now I will not accept nothing less than love, and know that I deserve only the best that a person can offer. I will not be used.

The self harming thoughts are still there, but I haven’t cut for eight weeks. I have utilised the tools that were given to me: I take a Lorazepam, call the crisis team, play uplifting music, practice mindfulness, do some cleaning, and phone friends and family for support. Now that I feel like life is worth living I don’t want to do it.

Having the Quetiapine reduced from 175mg to 25mg has improved things rapidly. I have been sleeping better, my moods are more stable, I feel more alert and I have lost weight without even trying!

I am starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy next week and I am so anxious about it. I have put a support plan together to make sure that I don’t drop out this time. The difference is I really want to get better this time. I am so fed up waking up and wishing that I had died in my sleep. My morning depression is still there, but once I’ve eaten and taken my medicine I make plans for the day and enjoy being awake.

I hope this feeling stays.

I have been through the worst of the worst recently, so I guess the only way is up 🙂

Amy Belle

 

 

 

You Are My Sunshine: Thank You Followers!!

I awoke this morning from a horrible nightmare and low mood. I struggled to get out of bed and then turned my phone on and found myself bursting into tears of happiness. I had endless messages and comments of love and support, from people all around the world.

My followers on WordPress, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Outlook are my sunshine today. I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful that you have taken the time out of your day to send me words of comfort. Mental illness can be isolating and scary, but with you by my side I feel I can fight this battle.

Thank you so much, with endless kisses and love.

Keep on fighting, we are in this together.

Lots of Love, Amy Belle

Special Mentions: My crochet-queen Jackie on the river, Tahlia and Coco in Aussieland, My poorly Leslie M I LOVE YOU

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Thank You

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I have been blogging for about a week now and I am overwhelmed by the amount of followers, comments and visitors I have had. Thank you so much for your love and support. So many of you are beautiful, strong people and I often think about how you are getting on with your day even through you are a continent away. I no longer feel isolated and alone with my thoughts as I know that many of you are experiencing the same thing. I just want to share a few things that I hope provide you with the same comfort that you have given me.

  1. Well done getting out of bed today
  2. Well done on staying alive today
  3. Well done on staying strong
  4. You are not fighting this battle alone
  5. You will getting better
  6. You are stronger than you think you are

Much love and here always            

 AmyBelle