Memories of my Grandmother

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One of the beautiful things about recovery is the unexpected rewards your healing mind gives you. I have unlocked two beautiful memories of my grandmother. We lost her in 2010 and my heart has been with her ever since that day. I struggled for years to say her name without crying and barely had any memory of her. It was such a shame but my mind wasn’t ready to come to terms with the loss. Slowly through a year of therapy and confrontation of her death, I was able to heal. I managed to visit her old home last year after 6 years of avoiding the place which unlocked some amazing memories. Now I am rewarded with memories of my nanny every time I think of her. They aren’t just memories through- I can remember the sights, the smells, the lighting, the layout of the room. It’s like she’s rewarding me from heaven for my hard work. I know it would break her heart to see me suffering from mental health. Anyway, it’s 3.30am and I awoke with a random memory of her. I suffer from insomnia and so did my nanny for years. As a child, I remember being woken to the sound of banging sauce pans in the kitchen. I asked her what on earth she was doing?! She was cooking at 3 am! This went on until about 6 am. As I got older I was allowed to stay up with her and we would sit in the living room-just us girls- talking with a glass of milk for an hour or two about anything and everything. This time was so beautiful. I had another memory of her come to me earlier where we spent family time down at the River Thames. No matter what age, nanny always seemed to want to keep me and my brother toddlers forever and go and feed the ducks 😂 I remember sitting near the water and offered to buy us all an ice cream with my birthday money. It came to £16! But nanny wouldn’t let me waste my money and paid instead no matter how much I protested. I also remember the beautiful water and the ducks and swans. The willow trees that we used to climb, and the dampness in our shoes from walking into the overflowing stream. As I am getting older I have found myself becoming more and more like her. My family tells me I look like her all the time. Sometimes my father struggles to look at me because I remind him so much of her. I am so proud to be similar to such a kind, caring, and beautifully strong woman. Ok, I am crying now……

Amy Belle