The Perfect Relationship Is One That Isn’t Perfect

jasminea

We perceive the perfect relationship as one that is calm, collective, without arguments and everything is hunky-dory. But a relationship isn’t a bed of roses- they take work. My other half drives me mad! But one thing we share is the most important foundation to a healthy and thriving relationship: mutual respect. I’m not going to sit and brag about how amazing my relationship is because it isn’t perfect (and nobody wants to be bored to tears). But he wants me and there is passion. Before I met him my relationships were very unhealthy. There was no fight or passion. No man wanted to fight me. They couldn’t be bothered to argue back. How was I meant to respect someone if they didn’t stand up for themselves? I’m a moody cow and I need someone strong who can handle me. Also like a true borderline, I can put my hands up and say honestly I am very manipulative. Or it goes the other way… I attract men that since I have no self-esteem so they build me up and then slowly break me down in order to control me. The only way that I’ve been able to have a healthy relationship is by stopping being dependent upon men and stand on my own two feet. To find out who I was, what I liked in life and having to be able to have some bite about me. It’s taken ten years but I’m finally there. Find someone who will fight for you and be your best friend- not take advantage of your good nature. And remember every relationship is different.

Even the fairy tales we know had a hard time before happily ever after.

Amy Belle

 

I Am Not A Little Girl Anymore

I am not that little girl living out of a suitcase- I have my own home now

I am not that little girl being bullied at school- I can stand tall now

I am not that little girl being called “ginger”- I am a beautiful now

I am not hungry- I can eat as much as I want now 

I am not stealing- I have my own money now

I am not “Amy saggy boobs”- I have gorgeous curves now

I am not a scared loner- I am independent now

I am not beaten black and blue- I am tough now

I am not that teenager that will sleep on your floor– I have my own double bed now

I am not that teenager being molested on a bus- My body is mine now

I am not waiting for a boy to love me- I have all the love I need now

I am not your sloppy sex- I make love now

I will not buy your friendship- I have friends who love me unconditionally now

I am not that young lady asking for your permission- I can make my own decisions now

I am not in the darkness- I have the Lord with me now

I am not stupid- I am a nurse now

I am not illogical- I build my own furniture now

I am not my prescriptions- I know my own mind now

I am not my bleeding cuts- I have battle scars now

I am not my abuse- I am worthy of love now

I am not that silent women- I can shout back now

I am not scared to remember your casket- You live on through me now

I am not Amy Rose Taylor- I AM AMY BELLE NOW

 

Not having to ask for permission: A tough lesson to unlearn

I was invited to a job interview yesterday. I said yes. But I’m taking a break from nursing to focus on healing myself and completing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. Not working and doing what I love has left a huge gap in my life and I miss it very much. I have found myself with a difficult choice to make. Do I continue not working to focus on recovery or do I return to work? Normally I would ring up family and friends and ask for their advice. Something has changed- I didn’t ask for it.

Through out my life I have never made my own decisions. I always depended on others and took their advice literally. I never had any belief in myself to make the right choices. I would spend hours listening to others and constantly change my plans. I also hated being on my own and needed others to define who I was. The perfect example was when I was with my ex partner, we done everything together. Every aspect of my life was about him. All the decisions I had to make were made by him. Its only looking back now that I realised it was controlling and he tweaked into my vulnerability. I seem to have attracted people like that all my life. When he left me, I was a mess. How was I suppose to live without someone who was my whole life? I was terrified of being alone.

After a few weeks I found a spark deep within myself. I reignited my love for vintage clothing and started doing my old hobbies that I once gave up for him. I started wearing makeup, went out socialising and made some amazing new friends! I have never been so happy. I have found my self-confidence and now trust myself to make the right decisions. I sleep at night feeling safe alone in my flat.

Having been stripped of everything that once defined me, I have had to learn to be on my own and a grown up. When tomorrow comes and I need to attend the interview, I will know what decision I need to make and trust myself to make the right one. I do not need to answer or please anyone.

I also learnt to use my new sewing machine, all by myself 🙂

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Amy Belle ❤

 

 

Define Me

“Find yourself before you find someone else”– These were the words of my wise and protective mother. I know that I should listen, but it so hard when as a human being all you long for is to be loved. I have recently had my heart ripped out and stamped on, and I have found myself on a strange journey. I am finding out who I am.

When I am with someone they become my world. My whole existence and reason for living. This has meant that, yes, I do need someone to define who I am. And slowly I am realising that this is wrong. When you are with someone they should compliment who you are. Falling in love turned me into someone I hate. Needy, lonely, clingy angry and desperate. When my lover wasn’t around I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even sleep or eat without him. And whilst this is lovely, I realised that he tuned into my vulnerability to control me. I slowly stopped becoming the best I could be. I gave up the opportunity to complete my nursing degree, I didn’t bother to get dressed and I definitely didn’t bother to wear makeup. What was the point in taking caring of myself if he loved me? I gave up my love of writing and vintage clothing. Everyday of my life revolved around him and what he was doing. Wrong. Wrong.

When you are with someone they become your everything, but that shouldn’t leave you with nothing. And handing over that power and control over to another human being leaves you feeling weak and scared. I am a very strong women and I hate the fact that I gave my power away to someone. However the lesson has been learnt. I promised myself that I will not give up the things I love for someone again, because if that someone really loves me then they will want me to do what makes me happy. I have also found my self-worth. This is very different to having confidence, it means that you value who you are as a person. I hate that saying “how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself?” I don’t think I ever will love myself, but slowly as I am finding out who I am, I have started to like myself and understand that I deserve to be the best I can be.

Amy Belle