Shooting Star

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I saw a shooting star
Releasing anchor in the sky
Oh, how rare you are!
Shimmering glitter into my eye.

Are you a beckon of hope?
Do you voyage good news?
Are you sending me the strength to cope?
Can I shine as bright as you?

Blue sky can feel so empty
But accompanied by balls of flames
I see you are tiny but plenty
A beacon of hope you remain.

Amy Belle

 

Why I gave up Aripiprazole and Lorazepam…

 

Oh, sweet Lorazepam. It made me feel sleepy, high and relaxed. The doctors gave me only 3 pills a week due to my risk of overdosing in the spare of the moment and addiction. I was addicted to Lorazepam. I became an addict. Not to dirty needles and street drugs but to a medication that was prescribed to me by a doctor. Isn’t it crazy? I think the legal stuff is more dangerous than the illegal stuff. It started off slowly, with only one pill a week to stop me self-harming. “SOS ONLY” the label read. After two weeks it went from SAVE OUR SOULS to SUCK ON SWEETS. I was hoarding the medication and counting how many I had left every day. I was phoning up the doctors every few days to make sure that I had them in my medication delivery. If I didn’t have them then I became an anxious mess. When I didn’t take Lorazepam I had terrible withdrawal. I took three in a day to escape from the reality of a shit mood and had withdrawal for four days. It was like bad flu times a thousand. I never want to go through that again. I also became reliant on it for everyday things. I told myself I needed the Lorazepam even to cook dinner. I had been on it for two months and then the dosage needed increasing more and more. The doctors wouldn’t increase it so I just did it myself by hoarding and taking them all together. When I woke up my first thought was “when is my medication due?” I needed it to sleep. I needed to eat. It was terrible. It needed increasing again and now I’ve given it up. I have to hand my last three pills over later, my babies, tomorrow. Oh, it will be so tough but so worth it. I haven’t taken any for a few days now and I’m doing well despite being a hot, sweaty, annoying mess. I also gave up on Aripiprazole. I haven’t slept properly for two weeks. I’ve been surviving on short naps. That is no way to live. I also have depression and use sleep to help me escape from the world and I haven’t been able to. It seemed like time was never ending. It also made me my mania worse. I was so moody- one minute I was crying, wanting to die- the next minute I was smiling and laughing. I’m going back on Quetiapine tomorrow- the medicine I’ve been on for four years and I know works for me. I just want to have a nice long sleep and wake up feeling balanced again.

Amy Belle

The Perfect Relationship Is One That Isn’t Perfect

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We perceive the perfect relationship as one that is calm, collective, without arguments and everything is hunky-dory. But a relationship isn’t a bed of roses- they take work. My other half drives me mad! But one thing we share is the most important foundation to a healthy and thriving relationship: mutual respect. I’m not going to sit and brag about how amazing my relationship is because it isn’t perfect (and nobody wants to be bored to tears). But he wants me and there is passion. Before I met him my relationships were very unhealthy. There was no fight or passion. No man wanted to fight me. They couldn’t be bothered to argue back. How was I meant to respect someone if they didn’t stand up for themselves? I’m a moody cow and I need someone strong who can handle me. Also like a true borderline, I can put my hands up and say honestly I am very manipulative. Or it goes the other way… I attract men that since I have no self-esteem so they build me up and then slowly break me down in order to control me. The only way that I’ve been able to have a healthy relationship is by stopping being dependent upon men and stand on my own two feet. To find out who I was, what I liked in life and having to be able to have some bite about me. It’s taken ten years but I’m finally there. Find someone who will fight for you and be your best friend- not take advantage of your good nature. And remember every relationship is different.

Even the fairy tales we know had a hard time before happily ever after.

Amy Belle

 

Creeps Online

I know it’s boring and lecturing but please be careful who you talk to online. Especially what you post private details online. Make your Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter private. People think that those with mental health issues and who discuss them online are vulnerable- they are wrong we aren’t stupid- but just be careful. It’s pretty rare but I’ve had some pervy men and bullies online. Stay safe and I wish you all the best.

Amy Belle

Noise

The cars are whizzing by

My ears echo every sound.

Outside is so busy

If I go out I’m scared of being found.

Everyone laughs and jokes

Are they making fun of me?

They are people I don’t know

How on earth can it be?

At the shops I fear queues

Too many faces and voices

It’s difficult to buy a loaf bread

Anxiety leaves little choices.

I won’t go out alone

Never dare later than ten

There are so many dangers lurking

I want to stay in the safety of my den.

I brace myself for another day

Get ready to put on a brave face

I need to go outside

But I’m too scared to go to a place.

My home is my hideaway

I keep the curtains shut to ignore the world

I tell myself I’m tough

But I’m just a scared little girl.

Amy Belle

 

 

Memories of my Grandmother

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One of the beautiful things about recovery is the unexpected rewards your healing mind gives you. I have unlocked two beautiful memories of my grandmother. We lost her in 2010 and my heart has been with her ever since that day. I struggled for years to say her name without crying and barely had any memory of her. It was such a shame but my mind wasn’t ready to come to terms with the loss. Slowly through a year of therapy and confrontation of her death, I was able to heal. I managed to visit her old home last year after 6 years of avoiding the place which unlocked some amazing memories. Now I am rewarded with memories of my nanny every time I think of her. They aren’t just memories through- I can remember the sights, the smells, the lighting, the layout of the room. It’s like she’s rewarding me from heaven for my hard work. I know it would break her heart to see me suffering from mental health. Anyway, it’s 3.30am and I awoke with a random memory of her. I suffer from insomnia and so did my nanny for years. As a child, I remember being woken to the sound of banging sauce pans in the kitchen. I asked her what on earth she was doing?! She was cooking at 3 am! This went on until about 6 am. As I got older I was allowed to stay up with her and we would sit in the living room-just us girls- talking with a glass of milk for an hour or two about anything and everything. This time was so beautiful. I had another memory of her come to me earlier where we spent family time down at the River Thames. No matter what age, nanny always seemed to want to keep me and my brother toddlers forever and go and feed the ducks 😂 I remember sitting near the water and offered to buy us all an ice cream with my birthday money. It came to £16! But nanny wouldn’t let me waste my money and paid instead no matter how much I protested. I also remember the beautiful water and the ducks and swans. The willow trees that we used to climb, and the dampness in our shoes from walking into the overflowing stream. As I am getting older I have found myself becoming more and more like her. My family tells me I look like her all the time. Sometimes my father struggles to look at me because I remind him so much of her. I am so proud to be similar to such a kind, caring, and beautifully strong woman. Ok, I am crying now……

Amy Belle

Another Accomplishment

 

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I have finally set up my Etsy shop after thinking about it for a year! With beating my self-harm the other night, managing my first panic attack on my own, applying for a pschology degree, starting this blog, and applying for volunteering in a vintage charity-it seems about time I started living instead of wishing I was dying! You need plently of things to keep you busy when you have a mental illness. But don’t worry, I’m not manic these accomplishments have happened over lots of thinking and planning. I’m so proud of myself but I’m more proud of how amazing My WordPress friends are.

It’s nice to look forward to the future.

Amy Belle

etsy.com/uk/shop/BelleVintageByAmy

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Why?

Why do we push away those that love us and chase those that don’t love us? Why? Are we trying to prove a point to ourselves that eveyone can love us- that we are that loveable? I am guilty of this. I have had so many sleepless nights and wasted days of thoughts going around in my head- what did I do wrong? I have felt like the most disgusting human being, that I should give up and place bubblewrap around my heart. That way I can’t be hurt anymore. I am in recovery and learning the hard way from my mistakes. I’m in control of my own therapy after the NHS failed me and I’ve come off my mood stabilisers. I need to do what is right for me. If only I could control my emotions the same! Then I remember that not everyone can get along… Different personality clash. I was shocked to learn in my first job that other members of my team didn’t get along with others- I thought I was the only person who had problems! I’m getting stronger by the day. I asked God to give me strength and he has presented me with many challenges: it has been so hard. I want to cry. I had to rush out in the dark on my own to buy hamster food- I couldn’t have my little girl hungry. It was dark and there were crowds of young men everywhere yelling at me (why do they do that?) I was going to have a panic attack but I didn’t. I rushed home and practiced Mindfulness by staring at my Grandfathers pillow of a fox- my guardian animal. At the moment my home feels like a prison as well as my heaven. I’m too scared to go outside but sometimes the walls cave in. I need to breathe.     But I’m too scared to get close and bother making friends. I have all the people around me I need. However I think this emptiness in the bottom of my soul is something I will always seek to fill. Amy Belle

Happy International Cat Day To My Little Girl!

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I remember when I brought you home,

My tiny girl so sweet,

You were so lonely and abandoned,

You just needed love and to eat.

I remember your first night

Mum said you would sleep in the kitchen

I woke up to the cries of your meows

I couldn’t help crying and twitching.

I opened up the kitchen door

And there you were confused

Lost in the darkness alone

I swore you’d been abused.

I carried you up the stairs

And I promised just for tonight

Who would have thought 8 years later

I’d wake up to the same sight?

You grew into such a character

My little girl Summer-Rose

Your beautiful calico colours

Your little ginger nose.

I know you are at Daddys now

And he loves you so

But I always come back to visit

I love you more than you will ever know.

Amy Belle