I’m Under Attack!

These whispers become echoes

Heartbeats thunder abruptly

The compression on my chest

My rib cage spasms bluntly.

I am under attack!

These walls are closing in

My cage door now sealed

Inner terror to begin.

These thoughts they dance

Irritational to the core

Might I run away

How do I unlock this door?

The frost bite of my eyes

Pale face and red blush

Survival of this moment

On fire, she is to touch.

I howl for oxygen

Adrenaline vs gravity

He catches me before I crash

Safe in the benzos I find clarity.

They call this anxiety

But at the moment it is dread

I swear it felt so feel

Turns out it was all in my head.

Amy Belle

 

Empathy- A Burden & A Gift 

When I was in the spiral of mental illness, I was selfish and ignorant to other people’s feelings. I wasn’t a bad person- I had sympathy- but I couldn’t understand them. Through therapy and getting older I woke up one day and discovered empathy for others. It is a burden as well as a curse. I feel the pain of others and amimals. It breaks my heart. I often forget my own feelings and neglect myself. It is hard to look after myself when all I want to do is look after everyone else. “Nurse Amy” will always be ingrained in me. I feel angry at the world and don’t want to be part of such a cruel thing. My heart is heavy all the time. I am a Christian and find God always gives me the answers. He has blessed me with this gift, and when it becomes a burden He reassures me. I understand that people aren’t born good or bad, we are all innocent babies, but our circumstances which we can’t do anything about can change us. I also realise that people see the world in different ways- that doesn’t make them a bad person- just different from me. I wish I could turn off my empathy and go back to sympathy. It was a lot more easier- ignorance is bliss. But I can’t ignore who I am.                                               AmyBelle

Mindfulness Is Hard

Therapists and doctors are always like you should practice mindfulness blah blah blah… I tried to do it before and struggled. My mind often wonders and I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. A had a panic yesterday about having to do the washing up…. stupid things like that. But I actually practised mindfulness all day today and I’ve had a really nice, productive day! I got all of my chores done and the best thing is is I am not a hot sweaty mess! I took my time to focus on doing one thing at a time- it obviously took longer and I was slower but got more done! My place to practice mindfulness and relax everyday is in the shower- I stick my head under the cold water and stand their for a few seconds…. really relaxing.                                       AmyBelle

I cut 

I’m sorry. It was sweet. How can I let go of something that was mine for so long? I have to punish myself for being loved. I deserve love but love doesn’t free. I’m so sorry body. I will sting, but for the few minutes of bliss it’s worth it.  It reminds me that even through I’m feeling dead inside, blood still courses through my veins. 

Define Me

“Find yourself before you find someone else”– These were the words of my wise and protective mother. I know that I should listen, but it so hard when as a human being all you long for is to be loved. I have recently had my heart ripped out and stamped on, and I have found myself on a strange journey. I am finding out who I am.

When I am with someone they become my world. My whole existence and reason for living. This has meant that, yes, I do need someone to define who I am. And slowly I am realising that this is wrong. When you are with someone they should compliment who you are. Falling in love turned me into someone I hate. Needy, lonely, clingy angry and desperate. When my lover wasn’t around I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even sleep or eat without him. And whilst this is lovely, I realised that he tuned into my vulnerability to control me. I slowly stopped becoming the best I could be. I gave up the opportunity to complete my nursing degree, I didn’t bother to get dressed and I definitely didn’t bother to wear makeup. What was the point in taking caring of myself if he loved me? I gave up my love of writing and vintage clothing. Everyday of my life revolved around him and what he was doing. Wrong. Wrong.

When you are with someone they become your everything, but that shouldn’t leave you with nothing. And handing over that power and control over to another human being leaves you feeling weak and scared. I am a very strong women and I hate the fact that I gave my power away to someone. However the lesson has been learnt. I promised myself that I will not give up the things I love for someone again, because if that someone really loves me then they will want me to do what makes me happy. I have also found my self-worth. This is very different to having confidence, it means that you value who you are as a person. I hate that saying “how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself?” I don’t think I ever will love myself, but slowly as I am finding out who I am, I have started to like myself and understand that I deserve to be the best I can be.

Amy Belle

 

Self-Harm

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Dear Self-Harm,

Soon we are coming up to our ten year anniversary

And there is so much I want to say

You’ve been part of my life for too long

And now I need to push you away.

You came out of the blue

I didn’t know what you were

I was just a child

And I thought I could turn to you.

Going round in circles

Pinch, scratch and bite

Ouch that really hurt!

My comfort razor I’m holding tight.

You’ve scarred my beautiful body

Made me cut away my skin

Self-harm you’re just a shield

You can’t stop what I’m feeling within.

You creep up on me now and then,

Especially when I’m feeling strong

Now I can see properly

What you are making me do is wrong.

It’s hard to let you go

You’ve became a bad habit

You make me pull down my sleeves

Lie to others about how I done it.

I’m fed up of feeling numb

Lying here covered in blood

You’ve consumed my self-worth

I’m giving up the nightmares before they come.

So many bandages and pain

Making my family cry

There is nothing to be gained

Its time to say good bye.

Amy Belle

Ignorance

I just spoke to a mental health nurse following a 7 day follow up since having a mental health crisis. I found myself by the end of the phone call feeling the same feeling I have done for years: like I was being ignored- and not getting any answers.

I understand that the system is stretched- there is lack of funding and lack of doctors. But still why should I have to fight for my basic rights to a doctor when I need help? Please don’t think I’m judging mental health workers- I myself am an axillary nurse and have worked in hospitals for years and have experienced the stress of working long shifts and being overloaded with patients that need me. But still- at least I would’ve expected someone to listen to me and my needs when they are working in the field that means they have to listen?

All I can advise to anyone is to take control of your mental health on your own. After years of waiting lists and doctors appointments being cancelled I finally took control and found my own therapist. I’m not going to lie to you, its expensive. But if you have the money or can apply for funding from the government- use it! It has meant that I cannot buy new clothes and I have to manage my bills weeks before they even come out but I have found that it is so worth it. Also use self help books, many GP’s are willing to advise you on what to read, do your research, and talk to your loved ones. And of course if you need mental health support FIGHT FOR IT. Do not get brushed under the rug and wait patiently for your next appointment in 3 months time. KICK AND SCREAM. I have had to phone my mental health team 3 times a day, everyday, all week, telling them no “I’m not ok” and keep on and on and on… I guarantee you they will listen to you.

There is help there- and you deserve it! Take control of your own fate and its ok to ask for help. You just have to fight for the help sometimes. Which is so wrong. But I always found that the ones who state their needs and wont be going quietly are the ones that will be listened to.

AmyBelle