Is It Still Self Harm If I Didn’t Want To Harm Myself?

I broke my record of five months- and I forgive myself. Normally after self harming I would feel bloody and dirty- ashamed. But this time I am not mad at myself for doing it again. It’s like any under lying addiction- like quitting cigarettes you do so well but have one last drag just to wonder what it would feel like. And to be honest, it felt pointless and gave me no relief. I felt I done it to gain back some control, it was always my safety net and what I always resorted to. I can always control my self harm, self harm will never leave me…. it will always be there when I need it. But I felt awful afterwards, there was no orgasmic relief, I stopped half way through and asked myself why am I doing this? I’ve come so far, I don’t need to do this anymore. Like an addiction I always wanted to try it one last time, to remind myself of the amazing vertigo it provided- but it didn’t come. It stung and messed up everything I have worked so hard to achieve- but I forgive myself. We have just moved house which is the most stressful thing, and yes it might seem like a excuse, but that one time means I know now that I can break my addiction and I can try again. I do not feel disappointed because I felt I needed to do it, and we all make mistakes- I just want to try and get even stronger- and getting that what if? out of the way has really helped.

Amy Belle

2 thoughts on “Is It Still Self Harm If I Didn’t Want To Harm Myself?

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