So with all the good things happening lately my BPD part is making me wallow in self misery. Why is it we don’t feel we deserve to be happy?
That voice is getting smaller over time- but it is still there.
Something happened or someone must’ve told me I don’t deserve to happy. It’s all part of the “hating yourself curse”. As soon as you get what you worked so hard for, part of you backs out and wants to hide under the blankets. I think it’s a self protection thing- it’s easier to mess it up now than let myself be happy and then somebody messes it up for me. I will never fully trust anyone, or fully trust myself, but I know that I’ve worked too hard to mess my life up. A loved one keeps gives me the same, boring repetitive speech: “the-don’t-be- silly-you’re- doing-fine- Amy” speech. I know the words myself, but sometimes I need to hear the words from other people. It’s almost like needing to ask permission to be sad or happy. But you don’t need to ask permission at all. Very complicated thinking.
I’ve been feeling so sluggish and repressed the last two days and I don’t know why- it’s always the same pattern. I have to sulk for a bit and then I soon come back to my usual bouncy self. It’s not even a depressed feeling, it’s an afraid feeling. I done some research and found out that there is no such thing as a “bad day”. You just end up making the day a “bad day” as a product. When I’m feeling sad like this I tell myself to first- get out of fucking bed- and to keep busy. It’s hard because I feel so slow and sluggish. I just tell myself the day will be over soon, and tomorrow I can wake up and start again.