Christmas Breaks Me

Me and my partner have hardly slept because we have been kept awake all night by the tantrums of a crying baby. That ugly crying baby is me. My head is thumping and I look like an alien from all the crying. I had an hour long panic attack last night- and a tantrum- a mixture of crying and overwhelming frustration. I’ve been having nightmares every night and I’m on pain medicine because my rib cage is torn from my panic attacks- all because of christmas. I hate Christmas- just like I do Birthdays. That joyous occasion with the family sat around the fire isn’t anything like real life. Someone asked me if I ever had a good Christmas- and honestly the answer is no. Especially not since my grandmother died because she was the glu that held the family together at Christmas. My parents have done their best to make Christmas special and they are amazing but I can’t help but feel a little empty and sad. The cooking has fallen to me and I hate cooking. It’s hot, fast, and my cleaning obsession goes crazy.

I have it drilled into my head from something that everything needs to be perfect and special for everyone. This over whelming emphasis I place on myself is stressful and unreachable. Christmas also reminds me of the selfishness of people- I hate the world and feel like people don’t realise the suffering that is happening and are more bothered about presents at Christmas. I hate Christmas. It breaks me and reminds me of some of the people I don’t have around me anymore. My body is stressed which it never is and is screaming at me to rest. I have spent weeks stressed about getting the ‘perfect’ presents. The only thing getting me though is that next year me and my boyfriend will have our own home and we can do what we want and people can come to us for Christmas like a proper family. I also worked every Christmas for the last 7 years as a nurse but I’ve not worked the last two and it has been weird. Working on the ward with people who have nothing on Christmas Day truly makes me happy. I don’t want my family to read this and think that I don’t want them around at Christmas because that is not true- I’m just feeling a little sad and stressed and they understand why. It happens every year. I can’t wait for this stupid day to be over and everything can go back to normal.

Amy Belle

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