Exposure Therapy & The Inside Screamer

I may appear calm on the surface- that’s because I’m mostly trying to control my breathing but inside I’m screaming. So many triggers from the loaded pistol of life and I’m running to dodge them. Today at therapy I was set the challenge of exposure therapy and overcoming my overwhelming need to control. It’s about letting go of that control, and realising to the anxiety in my mind that world isn’t going to end. When things get on top of me my cleaning ocd triggers badly- we are going to expose myself to the crazy idea of not cleaning of letting it go. It sounds silly but all the dust on the shelves (which I only cleaned two days ago btw) are screaming at me. We have a birthday party soon and my family are coming round tomorrow. I woke up late from a night of worrying and don’t have time to clean. I’ve already had a panic attack and I can’t stop shaking. Exposure is tough. I am using mindfulness and positive reinforcement to help me get through tonight. Guaranteed by tonight I won’t even be bothered about cleaning. It’s about controlling the things I can when the things I can’t are spiralling out of control. I’ve been reminding myself what is the most important thing to me right now? To see my loved ones Can cleaning wait? Yes What’s the worst thing that can happen if I don’t clean? The world won’t end. Nothing. I ask myself what can I do now to relieve this anxiety from my chest and that’s about thinking what can I do now, what’s important and focusing on that. Inside the screamer is shouting smash up that glass and cut yourself go back to sleep and forget the world ignore everyone and be alone because that way no one can leave you. But she can shut up because I want to get through this and live my life instead of being a slave to my washing machine! 43 minutes to go wish me luck!

5 thoughts on “Exposure Therapy & The Inside Screamer

  1. I hope everything will fall into place and make you feel better. I have the ocd issue with cleaning or self mutilating my face until I have it all messed up from squeezing my pimples way passed the point of just being gentle on my skin. It’s like the pain from squeezing helps me to ease my mind. Than I’m panicked about seeing people and want to avoid them or I get angry because I feel all this guilt and embarrassment about my face.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I feel the same about my self harm! I wouldn’t dare not wear trousers! It is a vicious cycle. If almost self distructive- like yoh attack your face because you know if will prevent you from going out so in turn you won’t want to go out and meet people who can hurt you- do you know what I mean? Have you tried pinching a sand bag or something to get rid of the urge to pick? Sounds silly x it must be awful for you x

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