No I’m Not Selfish

When it came out about my mental illness me and my loved ones reflected on my attention-seeking behaviour as a child. I remember when it was my younger brothers birthday my grandmother would have to give me a present too because I couldn’t stand not being the centre of attention. Even now as an adult I will admit that I love being the centre of attention. I’m a loud, bubbly, social person and I will openly admit I am a little manipulative.

But now I’m older when it comes to somebody’s birthday or Christmas I have this strange anxiety. I love spoiling others and put a lot of thought into their gifts. Since my grandmother died I feel the need to take on her role; The person who organises everything and is the last person to sit at the table and eat, constantly fussing over everyone and not thinking about herself. I also get anxious about celebrations because I want everything to be perfect for the person because I don’t want them to feel lonely like I did. I didn’t celebrate my birthday with friends until this year! It was the best birthday ever! I will always carry this unreachable goal of perfection.

I think because of my BPD I remained a child past childhood, and carried on those tantrums and attention seeking behaviours. Now I’m older and able to think of others, I can be that kind loving person I am (but of course with guilt laying over my head.) Anyway it’s somebody’s birthday today and it would be nice to stop shaking, but as long as they have an amazing day I am happy.

Amy Belle

2 thoughts on “No I’m Not Selfish

  1. It’s completely possible to be an adult who has the heart of a child! It doesn’t make you immature either. I feel this way. I suspect my situation is due not so much because of the illness I was born with, but more the trauma I experienced which robbed me of my childhood. Guilt is a strange emotion. It takes so many forms. And even when we realise that our guilt is caused by something we have no control over, it doesn’t lessen it.

    I’ve always been the opposite. I’ve always hated attention on myself, ‘undeserved attention’ such as my birthday. I lavish gifts and attention on others and strongly dislike the same for myself. I rarely celebrate my birthday and I never ask for things as gifts. I could not say the word ‘want’ as in ‘I want x’ until I was an adult. I felt selfish just saying it. Anytime I did, I would automatically correct myself with ‘I would like’. I was not taught to do that, I learnt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no I’m so sorry you feel this way! Of course you deserve a lovely birthday! It’s sad how most people are very spoilt these days and feel no shame yet others of us feel tremendous guilt just asking for something small. I think Christmas clearly highlights the selfishness of the retail market and society x

      Liked by 1 person

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