Oh my goodness so I just turned the tap on to wash some dishes and the pipes exploded! It was a massive flood in my flat and I couldn’t turn off the pipes! It was sheer panic and I was on my own and I couldn’t then the tap off. I burst into tears hysterically and rung for help and the landlord came over and my partner. I guess when we are stressed we have super-sonic strength because I managed to rip off the under sink draw door which is held up with metal steel screws and somehow turned off the rusty old tap! When the lads came over they were stunned how I managed to turn it off by myself! Anyway it was a massive stress and the flood leaked two floors down to the ceiling of the poor chap in the ground floor! I was so embarrassed! It wasn’t my fault and the landlord had to sort it out. Of course with having my BPD and being a kind person I blamed myself for the burst pipe which wasn’t anybody’s fault. All night and day I just wanted to self harm. The electricity has been affected and it has been going on and off. I am at home most of the time and live in a little flat so I can’t just shut the door and get away! It was awful! I think it’s so ironic how I asked God for strength and yet again he tests me and I come out even stronger! No body blamed me and was so kind and reassuring and of course their insurance covers everything but I can’t help blaming myself. Its stupid because these things happen and it isn’t even my flat! It’s crazy how we blame ourselves for things that aren’t our fault. I’ve wanted to punish myself for what happened because I am plagued by guilt. Nobody blames me but I am conditioned to feel guilty and shit about things. Anyway the flat is sorted now and the neighbours are safe which is the main thing. It just scares me how much I change under stress- I have been doing so well but when something messes up my routine I can’t cope. Maybe it’s a control thing. It’s weird how when nursing I can stay calm when someone is having a heart attack but not when a pipe bursts! I think when you have anxiety everyday things that don’t bother other people are big issues to you. Anyway I needed a bottle of wine and to calm down. Blimey.