I think that people with BPD are wrongly labelled ‘selfish’. When we are in the mist of thinking like a child and our emotions rule us, its difficult to be empathetic and to understand life isn’t always about us. We are highly sensitive, over thinkers with low self esteem and our biggest fear is abandonment. When someone we love leaves us, even when we know they are coming back, we act out in desperation for them not to leave. It sounds silly, but all our lives people have said they will come back but they never do. We experienced abandonment early on in life and didnt develop the skills to self-soothe as children. Even now as a young women I still find myself thinking back to being a lonely little school girl again.
Part of my recovery has been reflecting on the way I am thinking and in turn I can control my reactions. Its also part of growing up. Its also part of love. And its also part of life. A loved one has told me they are moving, and my first reaction is I am so happy for you but the broken child in me is thinking you’re just leaving me like they did, you dont love me anymore, I feel so alone, I want to die. I recognised my bad erractic thoughts and brought myself back to reality; they’re not leaving you, it isn’t the end, you are not alone, you are strong, and the most important and grown up reaction was I’m happy for you, I love you and I will support you no matter what your decision.
Its difficult to get yourself out of black and white thinking, but if you start seeing life is actually grey, you can get out of that rut and start healing. Also in life it isn’t always about you, it’s about other people and their happiness.