I’m a tough cookie. I’m strong and confident, but when it comes to those close to my heart it really burns. There is nothing more painful and frustrating than somebody ignoring you.
What have I done wrong? Do you still love me? Are you going to abandon me? I hate it because I don’t have a clear answer. Low self- esteem and anxiety means I think of the worst case scenario. Are they ignoring my Facebook messages because they hate me? Then you end up fighting with your mind and try to be real about it. Perhaps they are too busy to reply?
When I had 0 in life and was in the midst of fear of abandonment, not getting a text back straight away was enough to make me want to self-destruct. I would self harm or self sabotage in a frantic effort to get that persons attention and have them come rescue me. It worked a few times but then people realised I was doing it to manipulate them. Most of the abandonment turned out to be imagined, but it was enough to scare me. Of course when you have a mental illness you are already programmed to act a certain way and you aren’t aware that your behaviour is unhealthy.
Being in recovery for the last 18 months, I am now well enough to reflect on what I was doing. I now remind myself that just because someone is ignoring me it doesn’t mean they hate me. And if they do feel that way about me I don’t need them in my life. It’s difficult to stop your mind wondering but all you can do is worry about yourself and they will come back to you if they are real family/friends.