Why I Disappeared

For those of you who read my blog everyday you are probably wondering why I have stopped blogging so much. I have still been writing my poetry, but I haven’t pouring my heart out to you in a while… I guess things have been changing. I have been feeling a lot stronger than I usually do and I have been excelling at my recovery, it is coming up to 6 weeks since I last self-harmed- that would be the longest I have ever gone in my life. I don’t know what has changed but I think because I haven’t been feeling so down I have been struggling to find things I want to write about relating to mental health. I know some of you have been wondering WTF I have been and I just want to let you know I’m OK. My life has been very busy and I have struggled to find the motivation to write. I have been attempting to come off Seroquel/Quetiapine for the third time now over the last few weeks and all I have been doing is sleeping or I am so tired that I cannot find the time to even get the basic things in my life done, the time I am awake I need to spend time with my loved ones and maintain my home too. I’m on Zopiclone to counteract the excessive insomnia that comes with Seroquel withdrawal but of course that makes me sleep more! I feel like my life has been on hold. It has been hard to stay awake longer than 8 hours a day. It’s frustrating because I haven’t been feeling depressed and wanting to sleep it is literally my body shutting down, and then of course I have no time it makes my anxiety worse. My BPD came out a few days ago which it hasn’t for at least a month or two. It was a mixture of frustration at my anaemia and the medication shutting my body down. The only way I can describe is an agree shouting tantrum. And then of course I have started my psychology degree which has been tough but very interesting. I am very proud to say that I have submitted my first assignment 🙂 I felt some shame in having my mental illness displayed on this blog, I felt terrified that someone from my university or if I got a volunteering job they would think bad of me. But I want to keep on championing mental health and my objective long ago was to make people realise that everyone can suffer from mental illness, including those who work in mental health services. I have noticed that I can recall my thought pattern which I could not do before, for example I was getting frustrated about being anxious but I told myself (for the first time ever) I was allowed to have feelings and it is OK to feel anxious! I feel strong and more grown up, I feel like I want to shut my mental illness into a safe and forget about it but of course it isn’t that simple. Upsetting someone I love because they misread what was on my blog has also been playing on my mind. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, I write this blog to bring comfort to those feeling lonely in their thoughts and illness. You guys give me comfort too and helped me so much when I was lonely and had no one, I guess what I’m trying to say it that I’m stronger and I don’t need you so much now. But I am always here and I am fighting hard to sort out my medication (I’m awake at 2am) to give the time to my blog that it needs. Please don’t ever think I am ignoring you, I am not, you know I am not terrible at replying, but I need to focus on some other things in life right now. WordPress is on my phone now, so please let me know how you are all getting along. You mean so much to me.

Amy Belle

 

13 thoughts on “Why I Disappeared

  1. I think there is a lot of mental health issues in people drawn to social work and service jobs like that. I think only a few of us embrace it enough to acknowledge it and want to be heard. I worry to about how my blog might impact me professionally but it’s part of fighting the stigma plus it’s cathartic to me. I appreciate your blog and candidness. I also understand taking breaks etc. I’m team Amy belle lol

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    1. Always with the most beautiful words, your comment has made my day. Have you found that being someone who has suffered from mental illness you can relate to your service users better? I think I put on a different front when I am nursing- I almost become a different person- I like it it helps me forget the suffering I am feeling. I think too much of something is a bad thing- sometimes it is good to take a break like you said. It is comforting to know that you are by my side. Love always, Amy x

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  2. I am amazed at your progress in not self-harming. I am so happy for you that it has been 6 weeks! I understand how hard it is. I love following your blog and I can relate a lot. I also deal with BPD. It’s a roller coaster… Keep up the good work. I am happy for you. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much Sam it has been an amazing achievement! And very very hard- its like an addiction- always looming there in the back of my mind. BPD is like a never ending roller coaster of feelings and confusion! You keep strong and keep going too my friend, Amy x

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      1. Thank you, Amy! I really appreciate it… And it is like an addiction that is hard to overcome. And BPD is the worst roller coaster ride and unfortunately, we are stuck on it for life.

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  3. Its perfectly okay to take time out. We cannot always be pouring things out online and you have been making so much progress and dealing with a lot. Your inner critic is getting at you. Everyone here who supports you loves and understands. We are with you every step of the way even when your are absent. You are doing great. Give yourself a big hug. Love Deborah

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    1. Thank you Debs I have been feeling a little guilty for neglecting the blog but sometimes in life it is hard to handle everything at once- I don’t know how on earth people with mental illness can work, blog, and have a family- they are the true super heros! It is always unconditional here and I am yet amazed at the support I have on my blog. Thank you so much for your kind words and it is so nice to see you being your usual cheerful self Amy x

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