F***

I can barely shower and feed myself some days, how the hell am I meant to complete a psychology degree? Honestly, I sign myself up for the most rediculous things when I am manic and they always come back to bite me in the ass. “Lets move to Thailand”, “lets complete a Marathon”, “lets fly to the f**king moon!”.

I am trying to study and the words are just not going in. And then the more I try and re read my assignment, the harder it gets to take in and the more frustrated I get with myself and the more angry I get. I don’t know if this is meant to help fill a missing gap in my life or is actually making me worse. I am not well enough to work and I need to be doing something with my life, but I actually want to get out there, be hands on and work with people to boost my self esteem and to be Nurse Amy again. I’ve applied for some volunteering but in this stupid **** **** ***** town there is nothing around. Don’t even get me started on the lack of nursing opportunities around here. No wonder every one just gets pregnant and drinks in the pub it is because there is nothing else to do! I am desperate to move and get out of here but of course money doesn’t grow on trees and its putting a strain on my relationship. I am just fed up of waiting to live my life,  I want to live it! I know what I want more than anything, but it isn’t that simple..

There is just always this overwhelming feeling of emptiness… I wish I was manic again because then I felt happy and invincable- I probably should have started the stupid degree then. I am just so tired talking about mental health and being reminded of my problems that I don’t have much passion for this degree. I want to be hands on and nurse again… OMG I think I just answered my own question!

16 thoughts on “F***

  1. Amy love, please keep calm. I heard the exact same from my wife when she started her degree course at 44 and is dyslexic. She freaked completely for the first few weeks snd cried herself to sleep after panicking all day. She eventually went on to get a first. You can too but you need to see this as the normal process for any new student and try to stop beating yourself up about it. We came from a town just like yours and the best way to escape is not just physically but by educating yourself and mentally leaving that crappy place behind. I am worried about you, really worried. Dx

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  2. This was scary similar as me. Down to the Psychology major. I’m realizing that those moments where I feel incredibly happy and impulsive say things that I never go through with…is being in a manic episode. I didn’t know that…😟

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    1. Oh keep on going! Are you still studying it? Yes often when I go through obsessions or eccentric behaviour it means I’m in a manic. I could tell you so many funny stories!

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  3. I think you are just in a slump and feel directionless. If you can get through this feeling, I’m sure you will remember why you chose psychology and be excited to be studying it. This is the nature of the beast. I hope you feel better soon.

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  4. Amy i know how it feels when you try to do something so hard but you can’t and in the end you get angry.same thing happened with me. Well if you can’t get over it i say attract with nature. take your book and go sit under a tree.not in a park but in a lonely spot. It might help.it always helps me.
    wish you all the luck,
    Mia.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mia it’s so nice to talk to someone who understand the frustration! Doesn’t it seem everyone is flying ahead miles from you? I love going to different places but because of my anxiety I can’t go outdoors on my own really x but I always love a good read to escape. Keep going!

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      1. Don’t be anxious. Don’t be. because of this tiny problem you will miss the good things in life.go out on sundays.. not only sundays but everyday! even if the things are same see the children playing. it helps.

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