I don’t wake up happy from a night out drinking. I look around at the vintage china cats I have smashed, I feel the burn of my self-harm and I dred to reflect how I lost myself at the third glass of wine.
I can’t handle my drink. Alcohol has destroyed my life many times over. I can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, when I am happy and my life is settled. But when my life is all over the place, I hit the bottle at full force. I don’t drink everyday but I do drink to escape. I get anxious going out to new places and meeting new people, and I drink because I lack confidence in myself. I loose the sweetness of my personality- and I become loud and argumentative.
I have never met someone who can just “enjoy” a drink. I think we are all guilty of misbehaving when we are drunk. However when you have a mental illness and drink the pain you feel echoes more. I am not touching a drink again, unless I know I am safe and this monster won’t come out.