Giving Up Self-Harm

MY GOODNESS DO I WANT TO CUT. Anyone who thinks you can just wake up one day and not self-harm is kidding themselves. I don’t know if you’re a smoker, or ever been addicted to something; but you will understand that intense, mad, niggling in the back of your mind. Just one more time…just one more time…this will be the last time… Self-harm is my addiction, my therapy, my way of coping with my mental illness and it has been in my life 12 years. I cut every week and I am coming up to week three clean and I am really struggling not to do it. I haven’t even got any external triggers to make me want to self-harm, its just something I have always done to help me burst the tension that is in my over-crowded mind. I am doing my best to distract myself- the flat has never looked so clean! I keep on having these waves through out the day where the drive overwhelmes me. I am relaxed and normal, then I feel intensly depressed, and unbelieveably irritable. I can’t stop shaking and the drive is going round in my head. I keep on looking down at my new tattoo “hope never left” which reminds me to keep on going. I don’t want to be on my own at the moment, and I have been surrounding myself under the comfort of my friends and family to help protect me from myself. This week is so hard. This is the hardest it has probably ever been in my life. I just want to tare myself apart and fuck everything up. When things are going so well there is always something telling me that I don’t deserve it and I might as well fuck it up myself because it is all going to fuck up anyway. (Oh, the lovely self-destructive thoughts of a borderline and bipolar!) I often forget to remind myself why I am giving up myself harm, starting this degree is like a fresh start, and I know that I can’t escape my mental illness but I can dam well do my best to stop it destroying my body and scaring people I love away! I think its all about replacing self-harm with something that is not so soul destroying. I have started getting my self-harm covered with tattoos that promote my recovery, talking more about how I am feeling to loved ones without feeling ashamed, reminding myself that I am nurse Amy and need to be strong to help others whilst doing my degree, blogging, writing and cleaning to get rid of all that pent up energy, just keeping busy and even doing something stupid as having a nap whilst the tension passes or doing mindfulness colouring. I even brought myself some nice candles and new clothes to distract my bad thoughts. It is really tough, and I am sure I will slip along the way but I don’t want to be a walking doll with pins and needles bursting out of me anymore…

25 thoughts on “Giving Up Self-Harm

    1. I ended up self-harming last night, I am sorry. But to go that long was amazing and I hope this time to go even further x I would tell my patients that you are not alone and recovery is on the horizon. I hope you are OK and still proud of me?

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  1. I am very sure you will continue to your awesome run of no self harm and extend it to 5 weeks then 7 then 9 then 12 weeks. Because it takes the same will power to harm as to not harm yourself. I know it is easier said than done. But you have come this far. 21 days! And once you do something like this for 21 days your brain auto rewires. So you got this!!

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  2. Amy, you have made a lot of progress recently. Hope you can continue to be strong. Have you considered joining a gym or something? It is a great distraction, helps with depression, and burns off that excess energy when you are feeling restless.
    I have very much come to see you as a friend and it hurts to see a friend in such distress.
    Darren xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Darren. Unfortunetly I ended up self-harming again but I done so well to go such a long time. I am hoping to go sooner without it this time. I am not one for the gym it really triggers me, but going for a walk into the countryside might be a good idea for me. I really enjoy walking and listening to rock music. I hope you are well x you are a friend too x

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  3. I have 2 slip ups in the last 2 months trying to avoid cutting. The draw is so overwhelming. Keep going. I see you too have slipped up since but don’t loose sight of how well you still did and we can never try too many times. Changing a coping mechanism is tough. Much love to you xxx

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    1. I am so sorry yet relived to hear that I am not the only person who struggles to give up self-harm. I am trying many different coping mechanism, my one at the moment is asking for help! What coping mechanism do you use if you don’t mind me asking? All the best to you, Amy Belle

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