She can fly, she just needed a push off the edge.
I am starting my psychology degree in two weeks and I am crapping myself. I never cease to amaze myself. Even when I am sad and have nothing going on in my life I always try to do something and be the best I can be. I am not well enough to work at the moment but I cannot just sit and rot on my sofa. I have signed up for this degree for at home schooling. It was through blogging and nursing that I found I really want to be a counselor psychologist. It will take a lot of hard work but I want to look after people so badly it is my drive. If you have a mental illness you can understand that we are guilty of setting an unhealthy, high standard of perfectionism upon ourselves. Currently, I have been in bed with flu for 5 days yet I am still trying to force myself to maintain my perfectly sterile flat, keep up with my social media, busy social life and appearance. I keep on beating myself for hours saying I need to get out of bed and clean but I hardly have the energy to type this post! I need to stop beating myself up and tell myself that it is OK to be unwell. I had this version of perfectionism drilled into me from a young age and illness was not accepted. I think that is why I can’t stop even though I feel like rubbish. If one of my friends had flu I wouldn’t expect them to be cleaning for hours and then put on a dress and hit the pub!
I am really content at the moment, I have so many exciting things to look forward to the future, my degree, starting counseling, and moving out with my partner. However, the past has come back to haunt me and I want to run away. I think we accept the love we only think we are worth. I see how happy I and my partner are and long to be back in a previous abusive, controlling relationship- things were a lot more similar then. It is easier to be treated like a thing instead of a happy human being. I think that us borderlines also want to mess things up because we have been hurt so many times that it’s easier to do the hurting first instead of us being hurt. I am very guilty of always questioning happiness and comparing to previous bad experiences. When I met my new friends I was often reflecting back on previously friendships that were abusive and wishing that things were back to that. I was used to love that was all take, take and now that the people in my life love me unconditionally give, give, I am really confused. The broken child in me cannot understand that I can fly, that I do deserve this happiness and to not be broken down. She’s just scared she’ll be left at the front door again.