They say that the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis is triggered when a child does not have their emotions validated by a parent or loved one. This leaves the child feel shame and guilt about how they are feeling. I am able to relate to this. My biggest fear is not being believed when I am telling the truth. It takes a lot for a child to ask for help, and when that is ignored it leads to them becoming damaged as an adult. I remember when I was 14 years old and a teacher caught me self-harming with my library card in the school toilets. She sent me to the matron who then phoned my mum. My mum turned around and said that I was being attention seeking and to keep me in school. I tried to explain to her that I was being bullied badly, but she everyone got bullied at school and it was something everyone has to go through. Needless to say, I never mentioned my self-harm or how I was feeling again. I suffered in silence and my anger spiraled out of control, a year of tantrums which involved me running away numerous times with boys a lot older than me. I was being punished for being a “bad” teenager yet and I was actually crying for help. I also remember when I told my mother and my previous boyfriend that I had been sexually assaulted on a bus. They did not believe me and called me attention seeking. However, I was 18 by now and knew what I was experiencing was real. Needless to say when the police turned up to take a report of the assault they believed me then! I still have problems validating my own feelings and feel shame in it. That is the main reason why I self-harm; because I must punish myself for how I am feeling. The emotion I struggle with the most is happiness, at some point in my life someone told me that I don’t deserve happiness. Of course, everyone deserves to be happy and I wouldn’t treat someone the way I treat myself but it is a strong habit to break. I still have nightmares, always the same one, where the world is ending and nobody believes me. Have you ever watched the part of Mulan where the Huns are coming back to over take China but nobody believes her because she is a woman? She feels angry and desperate- that is what is constantly like.
“Please, believe me”
“You do believe me don’t you?”