Holidays are meant to be enjoyable and something to look forward to, but when you have anxiety it becomes a triggering nightmare. Me and my boyfriend are going away for a mid-week break tomorrow and I am absolutely terrified. I don’t know what I think is going happen- but I know that as I am typing I am fighting with myself not to shut myself away, to cruel back to bed. It’s all too much. But I don’t want to stop living my life because this stupid voice in the back of my head is telling me ridiculous things. I have an unhealthy relationship with holidays; I think it goes back to my abandonment issues with my parents. The second overdose I took was when my mother was leaving to go on holiday. I don’t know what I thought but it took me back to being a child and waiting on the doorstep for her to pick me up from my fathers and wondering if she would ever return again. I thought that by taking a load of pills and ending up in the hospital she wouldn’t to leave. Needless to say she still went on holiday anyway. The root also lies with my father- it’s funny how whenever he goes away to football for the weekend I decide then to kick off. Don’t leave me, don’t leave me. The stress of preparing for this holiday has been an unfortunate series of events that my poor boyfriend has had with bad karma lately. I can’t believe that his hardworking car has decided to have issues now, right before we go away and when we need it the most for our two-hour car journey. Why does life do that? I am also triggering because the flat is a mess- we took my ancient blinds down and they are so dusty- MY OCD IS DRIVING ME MAD I HATE DUST. I keep on thinking what I’ve got to pack- that I don’t even know how to pack. I’m scared of going away with my partner for the first time- I don’t know if he is going to leave me in a field in Oxford which is completely ridiculous. Why is this happening? The stress of packing, time allocations to our check-in and how we spend our day at Blenheim Palace is too much. But I don’t want to run away. I also don’t want to leave my hamster- I don’t want to leave my little flat for the first time. I’ve been away before and it has been so stressful- mostly due to the last time I went away I was dating a complete and utter *************************** ***********. I’ve never typing the keyboard so hard since writing this. I feel better for getting all these rushing thoughts out. How is it that I can do things like this:
but not enjoy a two-night stay in a luxury hotel? Stupid, stupid. I have really stupid separation anxiety. I am trying to practice mindfulness and praying that it keeps me going through the day. I don’t even have much to do! But I know that we have definitely run out of loo roll!
Really want to self-harm too ughhhhhh