I remember the day the can of worms opened. My mother and friend were sat next to me with the doctor as I lay in the hospital bed comatosed. They had the results of my blood test. I knew I could not lie anymore.
“I took an overdose.”
This sentence opened up the gate way and long story of my mental illness. I had kept everything inside for years and it had manifested into acute depression. I didn’t even realize what depression was at the time because it had become so normal. I would sleep for 16 hours plus a day and wake up crying. It was the saddest time of my life.
Since that day four years later I have opened the can of worms even more. I had tried to put my mental health in a box, pretending that everything was OK, but when I close the lid it spilled over. The contents of your mind and hurt is something that cannot be contained.
I started my recovery in March of this year. For ten years I had tried to put my mental illness aside. I was frightened to talk about it, I was scared that I was going to be branded a failure.
I remember when I had to go in for a routine diabetes blood test and the nurse asked me what medication I was on “I’m on anti-depressants” I said in a quiet whisper. I was ashamed.
To this day I have faced prejudice and stigma, but since blogging and writing to release my artistic creativeness I have engaged with others who also experience mental illness. A passion has grown in me to talk about all things mental health. I am no longer ashamed because the things I have been through have made me stronger and love more.
I had a routine appointment today and when I told the doctor what medication I was on she flabbergasted by how much I was on. Mental health needs to be supported not medicated. Even with the doctor, she asked me what mental health I suffered from and all I said was “anxiety” I did not want to tell her the long, boring story. The fact is I also Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I am a regular self-harmer- and this was a doctor who has heard everything!
I am still partly conscious of what I tell people. Luckily their reaction has always been amazing and they cheer me on. IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO KEEP TALKING. Do not let your problems get to the point where you look down at your body covered in cuts and you think “what am I doing to myself?”