It was the day I woke up. I realized that I was truly unwell. I was playing Russian Roulette with my life.
It happened in March 2015. I was so happy. I put my mental health in a box, I had moved into my dad’s new flat and had many friends, a boyfriend and I was loving my nursing job. Then it was blow after blow. I lost them. And my best friend told me she was moving far away. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to die- I just wanted to be happy. I cut my legs up the worst I’ve ever done. I remember feeling the thickness of blood running down my ankles and seeing it run onto the floor. My black fur rug was stained red. I panicked and called for 999. I said I had self-harmed badly and they said that an ambulance couldn’t come right away. I had had enough- so many cries for help and yet again another door slammed into my face…. so whilst on the phone to 999 I took the biggest, biggest overdose of medication I ever have. I was swallowing so much my body was vomiting them back up- I went through my own vomit and swallowed the tablets again. No relief. I hung up on 999. My father came home to such a sight. The paramedics turned up soon after- and like angels (I swear one wore a halo) they knelt down by me and one placed a cold, cool flannel over my legs.
I then felt panic- I couldn’t breathe. I then blacked out.
I woke up in intensive care 3 days later wired up. So many tubes. I had stopped breathing. I was put in a coma and on a ventilator. My own little lungs had collapsed and couldn’t breathe on their own. I guess I was moments from death. Reality hit me when I asked the nurse where my clothes were and she handed them to me. They were cut in half where the doctors had to cut to get straight into my chest.
My God what had I done? I was very lucky not to have had brain damage. I was lucky to be alive.
Since that day, I have been in recovery and never looked back. I have taken another overdose since, quite recently, not many tablets at all but my body shut down. My fragile body can’t cope anymore. This is the 3098569043298450432945 attempt to take my own life. I don’t know why….maybe I just wanted to escape and not have this heaviness over me. Anyway I’m happy, healing and fighting. I have to fight this- or I will die.