The Day I Almost Died

It was the day I woke up. I realized that I was truly unwell. I was playing Russian Roulette with my life.

It happened in March 2015. I was so happy. I put my mental health in a box, I had moved into my dad’s new flat and had many friends, a boyfriend and I was loving my nursing job. Then it was blow after blow. I lost them. And my best friend told me she was moving far away. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to die- I just wanted to be happy. I cut my legs up the worst I’ve ever done. I remember feeling the thickness of blood running down my ankles and seeing it run onto the floor. My black fur rug was stained red. I panicked and called for 999. I said I had self-harmed badly and they said that an ambulance couldn’t come right away. I had had enough- so many cries for help and yet again another door slammed into my face…. so whilst on the phone to 999 I took the biggest, biggest overdose of medication I ever have. I was swallowing so much my body was vomiting them back up- I went through my own vomit and swallowed the tablets again. No relief. I hung up on 999. My father came home to such a sight. The paramedics turned up soon after- and like angels (I swear one wore a halo) they knelt down by me and one placed a cold, cool flannel over my legs.

I then felt panic- I couldn’t breathe. I then blacked out.

 

 

I woke up in intensive care 3 days later wired up. So many tubes. I had stopped breathing. I was put in a coma and on a ventilator. My own little lungs had collapsed and couldn’t breathe on their own. I guess I was moments from death. Reality hit me when I asked the nurse where my clothes were and she handed them to me. They were cut in half where the doctors had to cut to get straight into my chest.

My God what had I done? I was very lucky not to have had brain damage. I was lucky to be alive.

 

Since that day, I have been in recovery and never looked back. I have taken another overdose since, quite recently, not many tablets at all but my body shut down. My fragile body can’t cope anymore. This is the 3098569043298450432945 attempt to take my own life. I don’t know why….maybe I just wanted to escape and not have this heaviness over me. Anyway I’m happy, healing and fighting. I have to fight this- or I will die.

Amy Belle

 

 

 

25 thoughts on “The Day I Almost Died

  1. Oh amybelle. I used to be you. I tried to kill myself over 25 years ago by over dossing. I was pregnant and didn’t know it. The baby died and I didn’t. I prayed to God and he took that depression away. I never did that again. I pray that God will bless you and give you peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this. I do understand what it feels like to be so unbearably unhappy, but not to the same extent. I realize it sounds trite, but what really helped me out was recognizing that when my depression hits I’m simply not going to be happy and just have to brace myself and ride it out (while employing various strategies, including medication, to ensure that I function at my best) and telling myself over and over it is just temporary. I then shifted my focus, recognizing that others were going through life feeling the same as myself (or worse), and when I couldn’t be my happiest, would strive to make a point of trying to make others feel better and doing what I could to make their lives a little bit happier…. whether it’s just being there to listen and talk, letting them know they’re really truly not alone, to trying to be an example for others in the same shoes, to doing a favour, to giving a compliment, to trying to help work out their problems and giving them pep talks when needed… it sounds silly, but it adds a little more purpose to your life and makes it seem more bearable, knowing that you made someone else’s life or even just day or afternoon a little better. You’re already a nurse, so you obviously have that in you. And by blogging about your trials maybe that could be your purpose and what gets you through and helps you to quit the harmful behaviours – by knowing that others are out there feeling the same way, and making it part of your mission to inspire them and to show them that they can get through it, and to try to make others better because you don’t want them feeling the same way you do. By being a healthy example for them to emulate. Having a purpose that is bigger than yourself is a great motivator to keep going and to getting yourself healthy.
    I think you are so, so brave for sharing here all that you do, and I am rooting for you all the way. I know you can do it!! Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! What a beautiful and powerful comment. I appreciate your honesty and sharing your story with me. It must have been tough. Looking after people is my main focus in life- blogging has encouraged me to do a degree in psychology to become a councellor. I think you are right in that I need a bigger focus. At the moment I am taking each day at a time. All the best to you, Amy Belle x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful response! And sorry I took so long to getting around to responding! I’m so excited for you working on your degree in psychology!! I actually applied and was accepted to University for that very same thing, though personal circumstances precluded me from being able to take up the opportunity, though I always thought how wonderful a thing to get to help people in that fashion. That’s a great focus for you, and I hope you will be here, keeping us updated and letting us follow along on that journey! xo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ll be 37 in about a month, with 13 years at a decent job (that I really like) with a pension, so if I did it at this point it would basically be for fun or something to do now. Wouldn’t be done until I was into my 40’s! Though if I ever did it (and successfully) it would be pretty tempting to give it a go!

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