Oh, sweet Lorazepam. It made me feel sleepy, high and relaxed. The doctors gave me only 3 pills a week due to my risk of overdosing in the spare of the moment and addiction. I was addicted to Lorazepam. I became an addict. Not to dirty needles and street drugs but to a medication that was prescribed to me by a doctor. Isn’t it crazy? I think the legal stuff is more dangerous than the illegal stuff. It started off slowly, with only one pill a week to stop me self-harming. “SOS ONLY” the label read. After two weeks it went from SAVE OUR SOULS to SUCK ON SWEETS. I was hoarding the medication and counting how many I had left every day. I was phoning up the doctors every few days to make sure that I had them in my medication delivery. If I didn’t have them then I became an anxious mess. When I didn’t take Lorazepam I had terrible withdrawal. I took three in a day to escape from the reality of a shit mood and had withdrawal for four days. It was like bad flu times a thousand. I never want to go through that again. I also became reliant on it for everyday things. I told myself I needed the Lorazepam even to cook dinner. I had been on it for two months and then the dosage needed increasing more and more. The doctors wouldn’t increase it so I just did it myself by hoarding and taking them all together. When I woke up my first thought was “when is my medication due?” I needed it to sleep. I needed to eat. It was terrible. It needed increasing again and now I’ve given it up. I have to hand my last three pills over later, my babies, tomorrow. Oh, it will be so tough but so worth it. I haven’t taken any for a few days now and I’m doing well despite being a hot, sweaty, annoying mess. I also gave up on Aripiprazole. I haven’t slept properly for two weeks. I’ve been surviving on short naps. That is no way to live. I also have depression and use sleep to help me escape from the world and I haven’t been able to. It seemed like time was never ending. It also made me my mania worse. I was so moody- one minute I was crying, wanting to die- the next minute I was smiling and laughing. I’m going back on Quetiapine tomorrow- the medicine I’ve been on for four years and I know works for me. I just want to have a nice long sleep and wake up feeling balanced again.