Why do we push away those that love us and chase those that don’t love us? Why? Are we trying to prove a point to ourselves that eveyone can love us- that we are that loveable? I am guilty of this. I have had so many sleepless nights and wasted days of thoughts going around in my head- what did I do wrong? I have felt like the most disgusting human being, that I should give up and place bubblewrap around my heart. That way I can’t be hurt anymore. I am in recovery and learning the hard way from my mistakes. I’m in control of my own therapy after the NHS failed me and I’ve come off my mood stabilisers. I need to do what is right for me. If only I could control my emotions the same! Then I remember that not everyone can get along… Different personality clash. I was shocked to learn in my first job that other members of my team didn’t get along with others- I thought I was the only person who had problems! I’m getting stronger by the day. I asked God to give me strength and he has presented me with many challenges: it has been so hard. I want to cry. I had to rush out in the dark on my own to buy hamster food- I couldn’t have my little girl hungry. It was dark and there were crowds of young men everywhere yelling at me (why do they do that?) I was going to have a panic attack but I didn’t. I rushed home and practiced Mindfulness by staring at my Grandfathers pillow of a fox- my guardian animal. At the moment my home feels like a prison as well as my heaven. I’m too scared to go outside but sometimes the walls cave in. I need to breathe.     But I’m too scared to get close and bother making friends. I have all the people around me I need. However I think this emptiness in the bottom of my soul is something I will always seek to fill. Amy Belle

14 thoughts on “Why?

  1. Sending you love Amy. Feelings cant realky be controlled but they can be reacted to and responded to with thoughts..like thus feeling feels painful but I can face it..it wont destroy me. Other people often dont act as we would like. It may hurt us deeply. Do you ever say the serenity prayer. If you cant change it asking for help ftom a higher power to let it go sometimes works. You are doing really well considering all you are dealing with. Hugs ☺


  2. Even i went through such situation few months back when i used to hate myself, i used to think i could not hold on to thst person. Then by god’s grace one of my frnd supported me alot and just saved me from ending life. I realised that the fault is in that person not me. So, similarly i will say.. U are a nice girl… Feel beautiful, stay positive, ignore negative people around you because those negative people will just push u down and will enjoy the situation, sadness u go through. Dont let them feel happy. You be happy. Stay strong. Do not beg anyone to love you, right perso will always value your worth and support you throughout. All the best. Lots of love for you. 😊

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