I felt so beautiful in this dress. Because of my self-harming scars, I can rarely find dresses, skirts or tights that I can wear. I felt like a true lady. I had such a lovely weekend. Despite my anxiety triggering in the morning before the vintage car show, I forced myself to put on my little dress and head out with my partner. It was a great day. As I was dosing off my mental health came back laughing in my face. An hour long intense crisis of suicidal thoughts and audio hallucinations terrified me so much I called for the crisis team. I rung 5 times and no body answered. I rang 111 and they just told me to go to A&E. I wasn’t going to get any support there. My crisis was getting worse as I was asking for help yet nobody was listening to me. The whole time my partner was sat there like a terrified child. I was guilty and embarrassed. I needed to end this in the only I knew- to self-harm. I started to make my way to the bathroom and took one look at my partner’s face….his heart was breaking. This brought fight inside me I never knew I had. Everything was triggering around me but I knew I couldn’t do it. I wrapped up my razors and bandages, then we threw them in the bin. I didn’t cut during a crisis for the first time ever! I broke down in tears of triumph. I’ve had enough of ruining my beautiful body. Of having to wear baggy clothing when I want to feel feminine, of having to pack layers of makeup all over my arms and pretending I’m scratching it like it’s eczema. Right now I can’t shave but I feel like I can breathe again. I may be hairy but I am proud of myself!
I also brought a few things that help with the sensory disturbances that cause anxiety. I bought a lava lamp and the movement calms me. I also found some amazing ear plugs that I put in when I need to get away from noises- they are comfortable too.
Sometimes I fly, sometimes I fall.