The Night I Threw The Razor Away

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I felt so beautiful in this dress. Because of my self-harming scars, I can rarely find dresses, skirts or tights that I can wear. I felt like a true lady. I had such a lovely weekend. Despite my anxiety triggering in the morning before the vintage car show, I forced myself to put on my little dress and head out with my partner. It was a great day. As I was dosing off my mental health came back laughing in my face. An hour long intense crisis of suicidal thoughts and audio hallucinations terrified me so much I called for the crisis team. I rung 5 times and no body answered. I rang 111 and they just told me to go to A&E. I wasn’t going to get any support there. My crisis was getting worse as I was asking for help yet nobody was listening to me. The whole time my partner was sat there like a terrified child. I was guilty and embarrassed. I needed to end this in the only I knew- to self-harm. I started to make my way to the bathroom and took one look at my partner’s face….his heart was breaking. This brought fight inside me I never knew I had. Everything was triggering around me but I knew I couldn’t do it. I wrapped up my razors and bandages, then we threw them in the bin. I didn’t cut during a crisis for the first time ever! I broke down in tears of triumph. I’ve had enough of ruining my beautiful body. Of having to wear baggy clothing when I want to feel feminine, of having to pack layers of makeup all over my arms and pretending I’m scratching it like it’s eczema. Right now I can’t shave but I feel like I can breathe again. I may be hairy but I am proud of myself!

I also brought a few things that help with the sensory disturbances that cause anxiety. I bought a lava lamp and the movement calms me. I also found some amazing ear plugs that I put in when I need to get away from noises- they are comfortable too.

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Sometimes I fly, sometimes I fall.

Amy Belle

14 thoughts on “The Night I Threw The Razor Away

  1. Well done for being strong. That took guts. If you can’t shave because of the possible temptation to cut, then why not try waxing or the hair removal cream which doesn’t involve any pain at all?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment. Thats a good idea Amy! I will definetely do that- otherwise my poor boyfriend will be hugging a hairy beast lol! All the best to you, Amy Belle

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      1. There’s a good Veet hair removal cream for legs that I use sometimes if my razors run out, it’s really good it doesn’t smell horrible or irritate my skin (I have sensitive skin) and all you do is put it on, wait then kinda scrap it off with the blunt tool they supply in the box. It’s not very expensive either which is good πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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