Control

When you have a mental health issue you can have a rough relationship with control- especially when you’re the one not in control. My borderline disorder means I can’t have tension between me and someone. I can’t stand around whilst there is an elephant in the room. I want everyone to love me desperately and when someone is angry at me I struggle to understand that they need time away from me. The bipolar in me means I often don’t think about what I say and my mood becomes defensive anger very quickly. All this confusion makes me feel shamed- this often leads me to self-harm. As I am in recovery I am learning to control that anger and to remove my triggers. Deleting Facebook for a few days and distancing myself are a few of them. And the same time it is really hard because as my mother says I can’t have “clutter in my mind”. I can’t have people being mad at me. At the same time I’m trying not to be a pushover. It’s really tough having to relearn again. Why is it also ok for other people to make mistakes but when you make one it is the end of the world? Is this because people expect us to be sorry. Right now I am trying to tell myself that time will heal and if my relationship is strong enough we will get through this. I can’t do the fighting on my own again. I’m tired of being sorry just keep the peace, but I’m a nice person and it’s hard. I hope I am not alone in feeling like this because I really do feel like the worst person in the world right now.

Amy Belle

3 thoughts on “Control

  1. I don’t think you’re the worst person in the world, as you put it. I can see that you’re trying. Remember the good things that you’ve done, like talking about mental health on your blog. I understand how hard it is to deal with conflict, and people being angry at you. I hope things get more peaceful for you.

    Also, I like that you chose a photo from Sims. Lol. I like that game.

    Liked by 1 person

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