Anxiety Becomes Her

My mind is racing with anxiety. Things to do, things to do.

My body is exhausted with depression. Can’t move, can’t do that.

I feel now that I have found happiness I am freaking me out. I have everything I could ever dream of, I have two best friends (a boy and a girl), a boy who adores me, a purpose in life (my blog, helping others), a proud home of my own and yet my mind can’t switch off. I feel terrified of being happy. I feel I need to keep my home and my appearance perfect all the time. I am trying desperately to cram my mental illness into a box but it keeps on slipping out. You must be perfect all the time- how else could they love you?

You’re a freak- they will leave you.

Show them the real you- they won’t come back

Take some pills- that’s a lethal cocktail- that will work nicely

You didn’t go to therapy- you failed

But I want to be happy. And the people in my life have seen my suffering and done nothing but love me. They see the real me. I am not borderline. I am not bipolar. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I’m just a good person who struggles to let good things happen to them. I’ve been conditioned to learn that love doesn’t come free after all. I am loved unconditionally- that’s the scary part. When I’ve been alone in the darkness its easier because no one can hurt me. But this happiness feels so good its worth fighting my disease for.         AmyBelle

11 thoughts on “Anxiety Becomes Her

  1. This post was interesting because it seems like you have to some extent identified the negative thought patterns that may be keeping you stuck, eg. ‘You must be perfect all the time, how else could they love you?’ But then go on to say that they have shown that they love you unconditionally. I had a look at a ‘thoughts are not facts’ worksheet yesterday which really helped with that and also writing the argument out. (So like examples of all the times theyve shown me that they love me unconditionally) just my two cents that I think a little self dbt/cbt could help. Hope ur feeling better now xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! You come across as a very insightful- intelligent person! As you said half the problem is understand the problem- I am half way there x I hope you are well too x

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  2. I’ve also been freaking out about being happier. “I’m happy- wait am I being hypomanic again? This is going to end badly when I cycle back…”πŸ˜«πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know the power of those negative voices so well. You are well on the way when you know they don’t really speak the truth although this may have been what you truly suffered in the past. I love how you say you are not a label but a real person struggling. Bravo and hugs ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are absolutely right- isn’t it funny how we wouldn’t dreams of treating others as bad as we treat ourselves? We all deserve to heal and be happy. Anxiety is fear of the unknown.

      Liked by 1 person

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