It’s a rare emotion for me to feel.
I am enjoying this feeling, but at the same time I am terrified that everything will mess up!
For the first time in my life, my happiness has been caused by me, not by other people. I don’t have a man in my life, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money. But I just feel…… 🙂
I broke out of my acrophobia shell and made an effort to meet new people, now I have some amazing and supportive friends that I know will be in my life for a very long time. I have been honest about my mental illness, and instead of running away, they have turned up in a heart beat to support me during my panic attacks.
I also took the leap to come out to my parents about being bisexual and they have been supportive and understanding. I was honestly terrified they would have thought I was disgusting!
I set up the sewing machine and built furniture for my flat all by myself. A year ago I didn’t have the confidence to do anything like that. My ex partner told me that I was stupid, illogical and he had to do everything for me. BUT I DONE IT WITHOUT YOU HAHAHA 🙂
When it comes to dating, before I was so desperately lonely and had no self esteem that I would cling to anyone who showed me any affection and let them use me. Now I will not accept nothing less than love, and know that I deserve only the best that a person can offer. I will not be used.
The self harming thoughts are still there, but I haven’t cut for eight weeks. I have utilised the tools that were given to me: I take a Lorazepam, call the crisis team, play uplifting music, practice mindfulness, do some cleaning, and phone friends and family for support. Now that I feel like life is worth living I don’t want to do it.
Having the Quetiapine reduced from 175mg to 25mg has improved things rapidly. I have been sleeping better, my moods are more stable, I feel more alert and I have lost weight without even trying!
I am starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy next week and I am so anxious about it. I have put a support plan together to make sure that I don’t drop out this time. The difference is I really want to get better this time. I am so fed up waking up and wishing that I had died in my sleep. My morning depression is still there, but once I’ve eaten and taken my medicine I make plans for the day and enjoy being awake.
I hope this feeling stays.
I have been through the worst of the worst recently, so I guess the only way is up 🙂