Not having to ask for permission: A tough lesson to unlearn

I was invited to a job interview yesterday. I said yes. But I’m taking a break from nursing to focus on healing myself and completing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. Not working and doing what I love has left a huge gap in my life and I miss it very much. I have found myself with a difficult choice to make. Do I continue not working to focus on recovery or do I return to work? Normally I would ring up family and friends and ask for their advice. Something has changed- I didn’t ask for it.

Through out my life I have never made my own decisions. I always depended on others and took their advice literally. I never had any belief in myself to make the right choices. I would spend hours listening to others and constantly change my plans. I also hated being on my own and needed others to define who I was. The perfect example was when I was with my ex partner, we done everything together. Every aspect of my life was about him. All the decisions I had to make were made by him. Its only looking back now that I realised it was controlling and he tweaked into my vulnerability. I seem to have attracted people like that all my life. When he left me, I was a mess. How was I suppose to live without someone who was my whole life? I was terrified of being alone.

After a few weeks I found a spark deep within myself. I reignited my love for vintage clothing and started doing my old hobbies that I once gave up for him. I started wearing makeup, went out socialising and made some amazing new friends! I have never been so happy. I have found my self-confidence and now trust myself to make the right decisions. I sleep at night feeling safe alone in my flat.

Having been stripped of everything that once defined me, I have had to learn to be on my own and a grown up. When tomorrow comes and I need to attend the interview, I will know what decision I need to make and trust myself to make the right one. I do not need to answer or please anyone.

I also learnt to use my new sewing machine, all by myself 🙂

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Amy Belle ❤

 

 

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