I Am Not A Little Girl Anymore

I am not that little girl living out of a suitcase- I have my own home now

I am not that little girl being bullied at school- I can stand tall now

I am not that little girl being called “ginger”- I am a beautiful now

I am not hungry- I can eat as much as I want now 

I am not stealing- I have my own money now

I am not “Amy saggy boobs”- I have gorgeous curves now

I am not a scared loner- I am independent now

I am not beaten black and blue- I am tough now

I am not that teenager that will sleep on your floor– I have my own double bed now

I am not that teenager being molested on a bus- My body is mine now

I am not waiting for a boy to love me- I have all the love I need now

I am not your sloppy sex- I make love now

I will not buy your friendship- I have friends who love me unconditionally now

I am not that young lady asking for your permission- I can make my own decisions now

I am not in the darkness- I have the Lord with me now

I am not stupid- I am a nurse now

I am not illogical- I build my own furniture now

I am not my prescriptions- I know my own mind now

I am not my bleeding cuts- I have battle scars now

I am not my abuse- I am worthy of love now

I am not that silent women- I can shout back now

I am not scared to remember your casket- You live on through me now

I am not Amy Rose Taylor- I AM AMY BELLE NOW

 

I cut 

I’m sorry. It was sweet. How can I let go of something that was mine for so long? I have to punish myself for being loved. I deserve love but love doesn’t free. I’m so sorry body. I will sting, but for the few minutes of bliss it’s worth it.  It reminds me that even through I’m feeling dead inside, blood still courses through my veins. 

The Flat Line

These hands shake with fear
These eyes burn with pain

This mind twitches with visions

Yet a skeleton remains

This heart weighs so heavy

Of darkness and gold

This spirit is free to roam

Yet stays in a choke hold

Love is the bitter lemon

Your kisses taste so sweet

Poison enters my blood stream

The label says “Deceit”

I breath deep oxygen

My words yearn to scream

Only comes a whisper

My silence isn’t what it may seem

Shards of glass were removed

You forgot the splinters

I close the curtains no matter the weather

Depths of summer and in winter

Mental shines so bright

I can cut so deep

But the bleeding will stop

Beautiful lines I can keep

Medicine to stop my breath

I can play with fire?

God gave me this life

My soul the Devils desire

Remain in the safety of this bed

I sleep to forget

Yet soon I must wake up

Fight with what’s inside my head

I long to feel something

The tingles up my spine

Too much trauma to take

I remain forever a flat line

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How The Kindness Of A Stranger Helped Heal My Heart

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When you spend so long surrounded by darkness you forget there are angels that walk among us. These angels are the rare people in this cruel world that have a pure, kind soul. I had the pleasure of meeting one today. I have been miserable in bed with anaemia and serve blood loss today. I found the strength to walk into my local pharmacy, and spoke to the pharmacist there. He spent 20 minutes asking abut my life and listening intently. He made me valued and understood. He also advised me about my anaemia and recommended some medication for me. Unfortunately the medicine was too expensive for me to afford, and I had to turn it down. I was in instant need of this medication, but my doctors are out of area and I wouldn’t be able to get a prescription for a few days. The pharmacist looked at me and said that he would buy me the medication out of his own money. I instantly felt guilty and turned his request down, but by this time he had already gone to the counter to pay for it. He handed it to me, said that I deserved to feel better and that I should be proud of myself in asking for help and starting my mental health recovery. I was so shocked and overwhelmed with gratitude that I came home and burst into tears. I gave him a “Thank You” card and a box of “Hero’s” chocolate- which I think was very fitting! This random act of kindness from a stranger has lifted my heart and encouraged me to stay positive. It has reminded me that there is still good in this world- and that is worth fighting for.

God bless this man and these angels

Amy Belle

Running Away-What I’m Good At

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I didn’t go to group therapy today. I’m sorry. I feel guilty because I have let myself and everyone down. I hardly slept. I had panic attacks. I was away from home. I had to take my medicine and it made me too groggy to attend. I feel like running away. I’m really happy and therapy reminds me of my problems. One of the things we borderlines do well is to think that because everything is ok at the moment that means we are healed. I want to self harm. I want to punish myself for not going. I’m fighting with myself, telling myself that it is ok to make a mistake. It doesn’t mean I don’t want therapy, I just want to hide in my bubble for a little while. I’ve come so far. I don’t want to throw all my hard work away. It’s ok to be unwell. Recovery is a long, hard journey. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve the help, I don’t deserve to be happy. But I’ve already done the hardest part- to ask for help.

Amy Belle

Having SAD Doesn’t Mean I’m Sad

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As the UK is hitting summer and the temperature rises, most of the population are digging out their sun hats from the back of their wardrobes and heading to the beach… I on the other hand, remain indoors. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is mostly known for causing symptoms of depression in the winter months, where exposure to sunlight is more limited and the nights draw in early. Summer depression is more uncommon.

People have constantly told me that I am “mad” for hating the sunshine and dreading the summer months. But the summer makes me miserable! My mother told me that when I was a little girl I would always sit under trees to avoid the sun, choosing a bottle of water over an ice cream and sleeping in late to avoid the day time. I am naturally a red head with fair skin, I have never had a tan in my life and get burnt after sitting outside for 15 minutes! Whenever I went abroad on holiday with my family and came back to school people would ask if I had even gone because I came back just as pale as when I left! And no slick oil to help me catch sunrays- its good old thick factor 50+ sunscreen that smells like nappy rash cream!

With the heat rising clothes get less- but with low self esteem and a body covered in self harm scars I do not dare to bare! I love the winter because I can stick with my baggy jumpers and leggings. Summer makes me feel self conscious. Also being fair and not the skinniest of people I sweat so much- reducing my low self esteem to near existent!

I have heard that SAD can occur because a season can trigger negative memories. Summer time was always miserable for me growing up because whilst everyone else was outside having fun with their friends I was stuck indoors, a loner, a freak and with no one to play with. Me and my brother survived the long summer school holidays together by awaking at 5pm and playing video games until 5am. When we were younger and not old enough to stay home alone during the school summer holidays whilst my parents were working me and my brother were shipped off to different child minders and play groups.

As the sun comes out more people also come out- not a good mix if you have anxiety. It’s loud outside- people are everywhere- people are in a rush and they are stressed. All you want to do is walk to the shop to get a loaf of bread and get back to the safety of your house as quickly as you can! Instead their are queue’s everywhere, you always bump into 34567865432 people that you know whilst looking like a sweaty piece of crap and your naturally planned exit becomes blocked.

Of course their is nothing we can do to change the weather. When you have SAD you stop being care free in your life and start surviving. Having depression means that my normal 12hour + long sleep becomes short naps in a hot and stuffy flat- because it is too hot to do anything- and you certainly don’t want to go out in that mad rush! I have been waking up early morning (which I never do) to get things done before the heat hits at 11am, and I won’t brave going out until the evening. It’s a lot more cooler, comfortable and quiet. My friends have been amazing in supporting and understanding that during a hot day I want to hide indoors, in the safety of my bubble, than go to the beach. Although I do love winter walks on the beach 😉

Amy Belle

Sleep

 Oh, how precious

When I close my eyes

The sorrows of the world sink

And I enter a world of creation that is purely mine.

Whether triggered by the pills or drink

You break me from the shackles

Allowing me to wonder the sky.

Sleep is the freedom from the cruelty that is my mind

Little box is shut from the pain and wasteful hours

Eyes once shut, the soul breaks free

Quiet, peaceful, safe.

Sometimes the bad things enter

But I open my eyes and see that I am safe

My body aching

My heart yearning

To break from the prison that is life

Sleep, how I long for you always.

Amy Belle

 

Happiness Is A Rare Gift

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I’m happy.

It’s a rare emotion for me to feel.

I am enjoying this feeling, but at the same time I am terrified that everything will mess up!

For the first time in my life, my happiness has been caused by me, not by other people. I don’t have a man in my life, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money. But I just feel…… 🙂

I broke out of my acrophobia shell and made an effort to meet new people, now I have some amazing and supportive friends that I know will be in my life for a very long time. I have been honest about my mental illness, and instead of running away, they have turned up in a heart beat to support me during my panic attacks.

I also took the leap to come out to my parents about being bisexual and they have been supportive and understanding. I was honestly terrified they would have thought I was disgusting!

I set up the sewing machine and built furniture for my flat all by myself. A year ago I didn’t have the confidence to do anything like that. My ex partner told me that I was stupid, illogical and he had to do everything for me. BUT I DONE IT WITHOUT YOU HAHAHA 🙂

When it comes to dating, before I was so desperately lonely and had no self esteem that I would cling to anyone who showed me any affection and let them use me. Now I will not accept nothing less than love, and know that I deserve only the best that a person can offer. I will not be used.

The self harming thoughts are still there, but I haven’t cut for eight weeks. I have utilised the tools that were given to me: I take a Lorazepam, call the crisis team, play uplifting music, practice mindfulness, do some cleaning, and phone friends and family for support. Now that I feel like life is worth living I don’t want to do it.

Having the Quetiapine reduced from 175mg to 25mg has improved things rapidly. I have been sleeping better, my moods are more stable, I feel more alert and I have lost weight without even trying!

I am starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy next week and I am so anxious about it. I have put a support plan together to make sure that I don’t drop out this time. The difference is I really want to get better this time. I am so fed up waking up and wishing that I had died in my sleep. My morning depression is still there, but once I’ve eaten and taken my medicine I make plans for the day and enjoy being awake.

I hope this feeling stays.

I have been through the worst of the worst recently, so I guess the only way is up 🙂

Amy Belle

 

 

 

The Burden That Is Me

We know we deserve love

But we are scared to let go

Unless we trust ourselves

We will we ever know?

They say they will never leave

But walk out the same door

I know I’m good enough

I won’t take it anymore.

I’m strong for all the others

But who is strong for me

Is this burden I carry

Something it will always be?

I’m fighting to be living

Yet still thinking about dying

I know that I am happy

But inside my heart is crying.

My barrier can you break through

Through sadness and in pain

I give half my soul to something

Remember first is sunshine there is rain.

The sharps it calls so strong

The smoke inhales my lungs

Every journey starts with a beginning

And mine has just begun.

I feel I’m being swallowed

And forget that I can breath

Nurse can you give me something

What is happening to me?

Energy, restless

The time that has been spent

I could throw it all away

Or turn it into something that has meant.

I will not be pushed aside

I know I’m worth the fight

I will face the days

If you cradle me at night.

The past we hold onto

It has shaped us who we are

Now focus on becoming the person

You know you truly are.

Amy Belle ❤

Dedicated to someone who knows they deserve it.