“Find yourself before you find someone else”– These were the words of my wise and protective mother. I know that I should listen, but it so hard when as a human being all you long for is to be loved. I have recently had my heart ripped out and stamped on, and I have found myself on a strange journey. I am finding out who I am.
When I am with someone they become my world. My whole existence and reason for living. This has meant that, yes, I do need someone to define who I am. And slowly I am realising that this is wrong. When you are with someone they should compliment who you are. Falling in love turned me into someone I hate. Needy, lonely, clingy angry and desperate. When my lover wasn’t around I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even sleep or eat without him. And whilst this is lovely, I realised that he tuned into my vulnerability to control me. I slowly stopped becoming the best I could be. I gave up the opportunity to complete my nursing degree, I didn’t bother to get dressed and I definitely didn’t bother to wear makeup. What was the point in taking caring of myself if he loved me? I gave up my love of writing and vintage clothing. Everyday of my life revolved around him and what he was doing. Wrong. Wrong.
When you are with someone they become your everything, but that shouldn’t leave you with nothing. And handing over that power and control over to another human being leaves you feeling weak and scared. I am a very strong women and I hate the fact that I gave my power away to someone. However the lesson has been learnt. I promised myself that I will not give up the things I love for someone again, because if that someone really loves me then they will want me to do what makes me happy. I have also found my self-worth. This is very different to having confidence, it means that you value who you are as a person. I hate that saying “how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself?” I don’t think I ever will love myself, but slowly as I am finding out who I am, I have started to like myself and understand that I deserve to be the best I can be.