The Hope Of Recovery

Hope makes me feel so high

As if it was a drug

I was sinking at the bottom

Now I’m flying from above.

I have been so hurt

Its hard to give it my all

Can I trust this happiness

When finally I’m standing tall?

New hope, new chances

Recovery soon will start

The glue to hold me together

To fix the pieces falling apart.

All I needed was to begin

I had the tools all along

When I’ve been feeling weak

It’s hard to remember that I’m strong.

Trust this new found feeling

Ignore the scary voices

I need to trust myself

To make the right choices.

I’m not going to lie

Something says I don’t deserve this

When you’ve been put down for so long

Its a hard feeling to miss.

Recovery is a mountain

You are sure to loose your breath

Please don’t let it break your spirit

Keep the promises you kept.

The others saw my reflection

When I thought I disappeared

Glass is always smashed

But true self is never smeared.

Hope was never gone

It has always been there

Just reach inside yourself

To end this dark nightmare.

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Inspired by my Aussie Bestie Tahlia, New friend & clumsy neighbour Jade, Blonde-boy Stephen, Mum’ma & Daddy ❤ and my amazing followers thank you for your support always

❤ Amy Belle

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lost Girl Inside

Little strawberry-blonde girl is lost

Never ending it seems to be

She’s seeking the end of this tunnel

Now I see this girl is me.

Monsters hide inside this place

But they don’t jump out and scream

They prey with hate when she is weak

Nasty, twisted, mean.

Angels hold her heart

Her soul is so gentle

The devils pulls at her feet

Is this her eternal?

No it is not death

But her battle deep inside

Now she can see a little clearer

This tunnel has become wide.

A small beam of hope appears

It shines blue and white

She can find her way out of here

She just needs to follow the light.

Shards of glass she must walk

Painful, bleeding, tearing

But now the end is near

She is way beyond caring.

Little girl she has grown strong

This fight she always had

She just needed to find her way

To see there is good and bad.

Monster’s stay away!

You can’t hurt her anymore

She has courage now

She’s opening the door.

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Amy Belle

 

 

You Are My Sunshine: Thank You Followers!!

I awoke this morning from a horrible nightmare and low mood. I struggled to get out of bed and then turned my phone on and found myself bursting into tears of happiness. I had endless messages and comments of love and support, from people all around the world.

My followers on WordPress, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Outlook are my sunshine today. I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful that you have taken the time out of your day to send me words of comfort. Mental illness can be isolating and scary, but with you by my side I feel I can fight this battle.

Thank you so much, with endless kisses and love.

Keep on fighting, we are in this together.

Lots of Love, Amy Belle

Special Mentions: My crochet-queen Jackie on the river, Tahlia and Coco in Aussieland, My poorly Leslie M I LOVE YOU

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Terrorism

My love and thoughts are with those who have been effected by the terrorist attack last night in Manchester, UK, at an Ariana Grande concert. No matter what evil throws at the world, humanity will stand together. Remember you are a good person and cherish those around you who love you. The light always conquers the dark.

Amy Belle

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Mother

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Dear my darling Mum’ma,

Our love has taking many beatings

We have had a hard year

And through the thick and thin

Thank you for being here.

We love in different ways

Its been hard to understand

I know you were always in the shadows

And there to hold my hand.

I said some nasty words

That I didn’t really mean

I was trying to find who I was

Frustrated at the distance in between.

You are the strongest women

That I’ll ever really know

I know that  weakness

Is something you never really show.

I thought that you was cold

I’ve very emotional

Now I’m growing up

I know your love is unconditional.

I was an angry child

Somethings you could not protect me from

That was not your fault

Sometimes life can go wrong.

I have blossomed into a young lady

And it’s mostly down to you

I hope that we can move on

And you know I love you too.

9 months you carried me for

Breathed life into me

I will always be your little girl

My best friend you’ll always be.

Lots of Love

Amy Rose

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Gone

 

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Everyone has a thing. Especially people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It might be hand washing, organising, being germ free; mine is cleaning. This photo of my cleaning products is a shock- this is a quarter of what I used to use! I used to have so many cleaning products that when my landlord looked under the sink to fix a pipe he joked: “Blimey! I can tell you’re a nurse!”

But its not nursing where my OCD comes from. It first started when I was 21 years old, and my Mum would tell me off for constantly moving things around the house. I was tidying and cleaning everything. It got worse, to the point where I would come home from work and clean my room for hours on end. My Mum eventually let me keep the hoover in my room! When I moved in with my Dad it got out of control. We used to joke about it, but my constant need to clean was driving him mad. I wouldn’t cook dinner and I would make cups of tea in the sink. He would tell me that the place was already clean and I didn’t need to do it. But I would end up in tears and have a panic attack until my cleaning ritual was completed.

When I moved into own my flat I would spend all day cleaning it. My neighbour’s complained the building stank of bleach! I would collapse into bed, absolutely exhausted. When I woke up my first thought was I needed to clean again even though it wasn’t dirty. I would cancel plans with friends so I could stay in and clean.

 When I was depressed I didn’t clean at all, when I was anxious I cleaned obsessively. I didn’t seem to have a happy medium. Until now. The doctor increased my Duloxetine from 30mg to 60mg a few weeks ago. Duloxetine is useful for treating depression, anxiety and OCD. I feel a lot more calmer and level.

During therapy me and my therapist explored the purpose behind my obsessive behaviour: I felt I had to clean to deserve my parents love. I know now that love is unconditional.

I currently have a normal cleaning routine that doesn’t stop me from living my life. My mind is clear, which is a really nice feeling 🙂

Amy Belle x

Nurses With Mental Illness 

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“Good morning, my name is Amy and I’ll be your nurse for the day”

I hold a unique prospective: I am an axillary nurse and a mental health patient. Nurses with mental health illness is a grey area. After all nurses, doctors and care givers have super hero status. You place your life in their hands, and trust that they have your best interests at heart.

Mental health illness amongst nurses is actually very wide spread. It just isn’t talk about as often as it should be. I have seen nurses in tears with anxiety, spoken to doctors with depression, and met carers who struggle to get out of bed in the morning. The one thing that keeps them going, is their job.

I have been nursing for 7 years. For the first time in my life I am taking a break to focus on my own mental health recovery. I feel as though my identity has been stripped away from me. After all I’ve spent so long looking after others, its difficult to put that aside and look after myself. I believe that my own struggle with mental health illness has helped me to connect and empathise with my patients better. They feel as though they can confine in me, and trust that when I am saying I understand, I understand.

When I was depressed, going to my job was the only thing that kept me going. I have a huge hole in my heart, which only being a nurse can fill. I love looking after other people, and making them feel safe and well. I enjoy watching them grow with good health and confidence. When I am nursing I become someone different; confident, chatty, bubbly and able to cope with anything thrown my way. How is it that I can remain calm when someone is having a heart attack yet worry about walking into my local shop?

Mental health illness does not discriminate against age, gender, religion or occupation. The more we talk about mental illness the more we can understand it and help prevent the miserable suffering of millions of people.

I feel a little selfish for saying it, but I need to fix myself before I can fix someone else. Then I can be an even better nurse. 

DON’T GIVE UP!

(Nurse) Amy Belle x

Another Battle

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Wakeup late, never morning

Getting motivated, depressed and boring

Nurses, doctors, waiting lists

This path way to recovery bends and twists

History of bad habits to ignore

The opportunity to heal she’s been waiting for

Its hard, it hurts, does she keep fighting on?

So tough, so much to rise upon

Sleeping is the truest rest

Waking hours of anxiety and stress

Forgiveness, love, hate and strife

The battle scars she will carry for the rest of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rain

Rain, rain don’t go away

Resting tears on my window pane.

Rain, rain wash away my pain

Rinse the embers down the drain.

Rain, rain there’s so much to say

My voice is lost my strength can’t gain

Rain, rain it’s not a game

Little girl lost she runaway

Rain, rain you can stay

Your storm makes streets quiet during May.

Rain, rain do things change?

Future is worried she’ll stay the same.

Rain, rain she can’t be tamed

Scared and lost she will remain.

 

Amy Belle

 

 

 

Medicine

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I would like to strongly express that I am not a licensed health care professional and that this post is about my experience with taking medication and is mine alone. Always consult a doctor or a medical professional before starting any medication and if you have any queries about medication. I am hoping that by sharing my experience you can utilise this information and adapt it into your own care and to find something that works for you. As I previously stated in my last post; what may work for one person may not work for you.

My experience with medication

Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac)- this is an anti-depressant. My first dosage was 20mg, but I found that this did not provide me with any relief from my depression and it was later increased to 40mg. This higher dosage did not relief me from my depression. I took it for 6 months with no benefits.

Citalopram- this is an anti-depressant. My first dosage was 20mg, this did not help with my depression and was later increased to 40mg. This higher dosage did not relieve me of my depression. I took citalopram for a year.

Sertraline- this comes from a new class of anti-depressants and is more widely prescribed than Citalopram and Fluoxetine. It also provides relief from mood disorders. My first dosage was 50mg, and then increased to 100mg after two weeks. I was on Sertraline for my depression and anxiety, also providing relief from my serve mood swings. I was on Sertraline for a year. It provided me with no relief from my symptoms.

Me and my doctor discussed that the above drugs classed as SSRIs were not working for me. Often patients who cannot get relief by taking SSRIs are prescribed an SNRI instead. The drugs work in a different way in the brain. They are also often stronger and less likely to be prescribed.

Duloxetine (also known as Cymbalta)- this is a SNRI. This is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety. It is also used to treat major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. My first dosage was 30mg after three months this provided me with no relief from my symptoms. The dosage was increased to 60mg. I have been taking this dosage for a few weeks and have noticed a dramatic decrease in my mood swings and depression. My sleep has also improved and I no longer wake up depressed in the morning.

Propranolol- this is a beta-blocker. It works by slowing down the heart and relieves people from the physical side effects of anxiety. Therefore the body is more relaxed and panic attacks are less likely to occur. Propranolol can be prescribed as a PRN meaning you can take it to prevent a panic attack. My first dosage was 20mg twice a day. I took this for a month and it did not provide any relief from my daily panic attacks. The dosage was increased to 40mg 3 times a day. My panic attacks have disappeared! I feel relaxed and calm, although I still feel panicky and shaky at times.

Mirtazapine- this is an anti-depressant. My dosage was 30mg. I took this for a week but experienced serve insomnia. This medication wasn’t for me.

Quetiapine- this is an anti-psychotic. It is used to treat Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. It was primarily used to treat my mood swings. I started on 25mg, after a week this provided me with no relief and was increased to 50mg. The same thing happened again and was increased to 100mg, then 125mg, then 175mg over 6 months. At the time I had a massive crisis and my Quetiapine was increased to 375mg for a month. This left me feeling like a zombie and unable to function. When I was stable it was reduced to my comfortable amount of 175mg and at times of distress increased to 200mg. I have been taking quetiapine for 5 years. It has provided me with some relief from my symptoms but this is normally short lived and the dosage needs to keep on being increased as I build up an intolerance to it. Quetiapine makes me very sleepy. I often pass out after taking it and sleep 12-14 hours straight. This amount of sleeping has affected my daily life dramatically. I wake up groggy and unable to get out bed in the morning. This has escalated my depression in the morning. The plan is to slowly wean me off the Quetiapine and to replace it with Aripiprazole. For the last week I have reduced my dosage from 175mg to 150mg, then to 100mg and then it will finally be down to 50mg then 25mg. Already not taking a high dosage I am feeling more awake during the day and sleeping 8-10 hours and do not “pass out” when trying to fall asleep. So far I haven’t experienced any negative withdrawals.

Cetirizine- this is a strong antihistamine and is used as a quick acting sedative for those who experience panic attacks and serve anxiety. During a panic attack I took 10mg this medication had no effect at all on me.

Lorazepam- this is an anti-anxiety medication that is used to cause relaxation and sedation quickly. It is useful when you need fast acting relief from a panic attack or agitation. I was recently prescribed this as a PRN to provide me with relief from my panic attacks. Reducing the Quetiapine can increase my risk of panic attacks. I was nervous about taking Lorazepam as it is a very powerful and controversial drug. I felt a huge panic attack coming on and took 1mg Lorazepam as prescribed. It kicked in after 5 minutes. I felt spaced out and my body was heavy. I almost fell over when trying to walk to the toilet! I also felt a mini “high”. My racing mind calmed down. I did not feel overly sedated but more relaxed. I noticed my face felt numb and my speech was slurry. An hour later I feel calmed and relaxed. And very nauseous. I wont want to be taking this medication forever!  I must’ve looked wasted! Any way here’s a shocking but funny photo after I took it.

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For now I’m at that mid way point of coming off and starting a new medication and just need to stable myself. I’ll let you how I get on with Aripiprazole, hopefully it wont make me so sleepy.

I hope this post helps you to find a medication to suit you. As I said before I am not a licensed health care professional.  Always consult a doctor or a medical professional before starting any medication and if you have any queries about medication

Please feel free to comment and share your experiences with medication?

Amy Belle