I’m just watching a documentary on the gorgeous Marilyn Monroe and it reflects on her erratic behaviour as a manic depressive. I am also reading her biography from Donald Spoto and the connections I can make between myself and her are overwhelming! I think a lot of people with bipolar or mental illness can reflect their own pain through the example of Marilyn. Isn’t it crazy how the most beautiful, powerful woman in history would make up at 3am crying for the emptiness that was in her life? It just goes to show you that not even the untouchable are untouchable when it comes to the pain of mental illness.
I brought you razor kisses
I brought you so much dark
You found comfort in your solace
Slowly ripping yourself apart.
You was born with a soul
It’s worth fighting for
Can’t you see the lightness in you?
This self destruct can be no more.
You’re going round in circles
It’s the same boring story
Either end up on the ventilator
Or get working and restoring!
You can get there- can’t you see?
Your good heart and bedazzled smile
So far to come marching
Yet wounded you’ve flown miles.
We carry proudness, we cheer
If you only saw what we love in you
Get inside yourself, beg forgiveness
We all make mistakes- it’s ok for you too.
I broke my record of five months- and I forgive myself. Normally after self harming I would feel bloody and dirty- ashamed. But this time I am not mad at myself for doing it again. It’s like any under lying addiction- like quitting cigarettes you do so well but have one last drag just to wonder what it would feel like. And to be honest, it felt pointless and gave me no relief. I felt I done it to gain back some control, it was always my safety net and what I always resorted to. I can always control my self harm, self harm will never leave me…. it will always be there when I need it. But I felt awful afterwards, there was no orgasmic relief, I stopped half way through and asked myself why am I doing this? I’ve come so far, I don’t need to do this anymore. Like an addiction I always wanted to try it one last time, to remind myself of the amazing vertigo it provided- but it didn’t come. It stung and messed up everything I have worked so hard to achieve- but I forgive myself. We have just moved house which is the most stressful thing, and yes it might seem like a excuse, but that one time means I know now that I can break my addiction and I can try again. I do not feel disappointed because I felt I needed to do it, and we all make mistakes- I just want to try and get even stronger- and getting that what if? out of the way has really helped.
When you are blinded by mental illness- especially BPD like I have been for a decade- it’s is hard to see the world in hints of grey. You truly immerse yourself in the black and white thinking: someone is either your best friend or your worst enemy. It sounds stupid, but one day I woke up and discovered empathy- to the point where I would consider myself an empath. I was so blinded by my own heightened emotions that I soon adapted the emotions of others. This talent (as well as a burden) has allowed me to connect better with people and to see the world for what truly is. Not everyone can be placed as good or evil. Following the version of Jesus- who ever remains kind and empathetic- I stopped judging people for what I saw on the outside and started to see them for what they were- a person with their own suffering and thinking. It has allowed me to put myself in other peoples shoes- they are just as nervous as I am- and has allowed me to understand people better and with that it has helped healed myself. I previously viewed people as saints, and then as soon as they upset me I cast them off like broken pieces of drift wood- but then I placed myself in their story and found myself more able to forgive- just as I myself asked for forgiveness when I made a mistake. People I saw previously as horrible, I just saw as just loud and trying to make up for an insecurity they had. Whenever I had a problem with an authority figure I thought of them as a person and it worked on my favour quite nicely (as well as theirs). This skill has allowed me to forgive myself – I am allowed to have a bad day- I messed up but it’s OK. Trying being a little kinder to yourself and others; but at the same time don’t be pushed into a corner.
Empathy and understanding starts at home.
Where I have self harmed so badly on my legs I have scars and chunks of multi coloured skin. It’s a shame because I’m a 20 something girl and I haven’t wore a skirt in years. In the summer I die in leggings and envy those who can walk around in shorts.
But I noticed where I haven’t self harmed for almost 5 months my legs are finally healing and these little moles I had once before are appearing. They are so cute! I really hope that as my mind is healing, my legs are too. Fingers crossed I can wear shorts this summer!
I am always surprised when the strongest people I know tell me about their experience with mental illness. I don’t know why mental illness is seen with such fear when at some point all of us will experience it.
The stigma that surrounds mental illness has often left me feeling ashamed and alone. I didn’t talk about it to anyone. But I found that the more I kept it locked away the more it came back to haunt me. I was only able to start healing when I admitted I had a problem and asked for help.
I find that when I open up about my illness many people can relate to it rather than turning around and saying I’m mad!
A lot of people I know have amazing happy lives but then tell me they get depression. The most confident people we know can suffer from bad self esteem. The strongest, toughest people can feel scared!
Mental illness touches all of us, it has no face.
You have Bipolar? me too!
You self harm? me too!
You get depression? me too!
You get that constant dread of panic? me too!
You cry when no one else is looking? me too!
I know your heart weighs heavy
You carry the world on your shoulders
I know you smile when inside your breaking
Yet you keep on marching my little soldier
I know you say you’re fine
But I see your dimples don’t come by so naturally
I know you’re counting the next minute to breath again
I know you burn from the past and can’t recall it with accuracy
You think I see you as a burden
You think I can’t understand
But all I can do is hold you
Sit while you cry and hold your hand
I wish I could take your pain away
But I know this battle is yours alone
Just know if you need me I’ll be there
You are more loved than you’ll ever know.